Dennis Campbell
October 30, 2003
Running for President as a real Democrat
By Dennis Campbell

After watching the recent televised debate as the Democrats try to figure out who will run for President against George Bush, I have decided to enter the contest myself. Listening to that crowd bicker, snipe and snarl is like eves-dropping on a dysfunctional Beverly Hills family at Daddy's funeral, and makes one wonder if Dennis Kucinich is on to something when he talks out loud about mind control warfare.

But if someone is going to win this race, some promises must be made.

I can do that. My platform will be a simple one, based on fundamental rights and economics:

The right of every person living in America to have free medical services, including but not limited to prescription drugs, organ transplants, cosmetic surgery, implants, collagen injections, sex-change operations and false teeth.

The right of every student to attend the college or university of his or her choice, tuition paid by the government, regardless of academic qualifications, while ensuring passing grades for each (we would require that instructors grade on the curve). Admittedly, this could result in waiting lists for some institutions.

The right of every American to have a livable income, defined as the ability to have a house, two cars, a big-screen television, a boat and a savings account.

The right of the government to appropriate excess assets of the rich (defined as anyone with the ability to have a house, two cars, a big-screen television, a boat and a savings account), the amount appropriated equal to the cost of the second car plus half the savings account.

The right of everyone in our Global Community to enjoy life in America, thereby granting citizenship, driver's licenses and voting privileges to anyone making it across our borders, thus solidifying ties with other countries.

I propose freezing wholesale and retail prices while requiring all industries to maintain current levels of productivity. CEO compensation, at 12.784 times that of the lowest-paid worker, divided by the difference between the pay of the lowest-paid and the mean pay of all workers, multiplied by 87.53% of the pay of the top 7.45% of the highest-paid workers, no longer would be outrageously excessive.

To help pay for my programs, I propose increasing taxes on gasoline, cigarettes and alcohol by 326%, 421% and 672% respectively, and instituting an Individual Oxygen Consumption tax of $4.77 per month per liter of oxygen consumed during an average quarter-hour between 10 a.m. and noon. The cost of establishing Oxygen Measurement Stations in every community would be defrayed by a one-time $25 fee.

(You can see that my staff and I have been giving considerable thought to this. This is not like something tossed off by Gen. Wesley Clark).

Additional revenues would be realized by downsizing our military to equal that of the total military capability of all East European countries divided by the gross national product of Uganda. The resultant layoffs would provide a much-needed influx of workers to restore our deteriorating infrastructure through government work programs.

Yes, this is ambitious, but consider the benefits -- everyone enjoying a good standard of living, everyone with a job, everyone healthy and a smaller gap between low-income and high-income families.

This is America, and we can do anything we set our minds to. I know much of this has been tried unsuccessfully by other countries, but they lacked our know-how, ingenuity and technology.

With everyone getting a college education, we finally would be rid of such societal plagues as racism, sexism, lookism, conservative politics and intelligent design.

With full employment, we would save billions of dollars on welfare. By eliminating poverty, we would end most crime, saving billions more. With everyone in good health because of free health care and prescription drugs, we would eliminate nearly all of the lost productivity due to people missing work because of illness.

We would have more money to invest in protecting the environment and controlling global warming. We could sell off our excess military hardware to help pay down the national debt, and as we withdrew our forces from Asia, the Middle East and Europe, and ceased being perceived as a military threat to peace-loving nations throughout the world, we would gain the favor of the international community and greatly lessen the danger of more terrorist attacks on American soil.

It would make for a glorious America, and provide a wonderful role model for the rest of the world.

And if we ran short of money, we would just ask Bill Gates for a loan.

© Dennis Campbell

 

The views expressed by RenewAmerica columnists are their own and do not necessarily reflect the position of RenewAmerica or its affiliates.
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