Curtis Dahlgren
April 6, 2006
Gown v. town: Examples of "post-colonial education"
By Curtis Dahlgren

"Successful candidates [for professorships] must take all the right prerequisites, such as 'post-colonial literature' . . . " — CD [3/24/06]

"WHAT IN THE WORLD IS POST-COLONIAL LITERATURE?" you probably ask.

Well, I'm about to reveal some actual examples from our public schools. Some of these textbooks have been nominated for the Charlie Darwin Award, category "Progressive Education":

Kindergarten, introduction to sociology: "Ashley Has Two Nannies: A Case Study in Inequality"

First grade, introduction to sex ed: "Dolly Has Two"

Second grade, introduction to whole language: "Juanita Don't Need No Two Languages" [she already understands "OK" and "NO"]

Third grade, introduction to reading: "Ebonics Uncensored: Curtis Knows Two F-words"

Fourth grade, cultural diversity appreciation class: "Lucretia Knows Lesbianism and Two Other Five-syllable Words"

Fifth grade, introduction to American history: "George Washington Killed Two Slaves and THREE Cherry Trees"

Sixth grade, introduction to Social studies: "Learning How to Flirt Successfully: Two Methodologies"

Seventh grade, physical education: "Winning Co-ed Wrestling: Two Strategies (the boy loses)"

Eighth grade, health class: "How to Get an Out-of-State Abortion: Two Easy Ways"

Freshman introduction to world history: "Fidel Castro and Hugo Chavez, or, How Zionism is Going to Get Us All Killed"

Sophomore geography: "Two Great Destinations for Spring Break That Are Being Ruined By Wal-mart"

Junior advanced Social studies: "Women Are From Venus; Men Are From Hell"

Senior college-prep sociology: "Everybody Poops But Only Men Stink (and if you disagree with that, you're a sexist, homophobic fascist)"

OH, DID I SAY THESE WERE ACTUAL TEXTBOOKS? I'm sorry — that last one was suggested by an actual children's book, but the rest are — at least partially — facetious. However, they should give you the general concept of "post-colonial literature"! A lot of public school and college textbooks really do sound a lot like the "books" listed above!

P.S. I would like to nominate for a Charlie Darwin Award the professor out there somewhere who just submitted a new 'scientific' paper: "Christ May Have Walked On Ice." I'd say he's on thin ice, but I don't even see the ice! He's from Florida, I guess, so he's probably never seen ice break up on a windy night. Idiotic!

Academia is so desperate that it's no wonder that they can empathize with the desperation of the so-called "insurgents" in Babylon. http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20060405/sc_nm/science_jesus_dc

Prediction: On the day after Noah's ark is definitely found, the headline in the New York and London Times will either be "AIDS VACCINE MAY HAVE BEEN FOUND" — or — "MISSING LINK MAY HAVE BEEN FOUND." And the next day's headline will be:

"SCIENTIST MAY HAVE LOGICAL EXPLANATION FOR BOAT DOCKED AT 15,000 FEET ABOVE SEA LEVEL"

Anyway, now that you understand "post-colonial" literature, I thought I would conclude with a sample of some colonial literature by Rudyard Kipling (1865-1936):

Land of our birth, we pledge to thee
Our love and toil in the years to be;
When we are grown and take our place,
As men and women with our race.

Father in Heaven who lovest all,
Oh, help Thy children when they call;
That they may build from age to age
An undefiled heritage.

Boy, do they ever hate Kipling in "cultural diversity appreciation class"!

You have to understand — large chunks of today's academic agenda are under the control of women and "men" who were student-hippies in the 1960s and 70s. When a person is now a candidate for a tenured professorship, I understand, one is suddenly invited to lots of "cocktail parties" where the real interview takes place. There's a reason "birds of a feather" seem to flock together on the average college or university campus.

This is probably as good a time as ever to submit a poem I wrote at approximately the time I decided not to go back to the University of Wisconsin (Playboy magazine's #1 party school).

"Homeward Bound"

Let the long-haired young rebels at your old Alma Mater
Consider the clay and reverence the Potter.
Let the hippies beware, lest they stick up their noses,
Should the Potter show up there to resurrect Moses.

Let the pot-heads make merry; let them teeter and totter;
I suppose they enjoy it as it gets all the hotter.
So let man choose his way 'til in the grave he reposes,
But for the saints in the end, everything's coming up roses.

Goodbye to students to wallow in ignorance,
And to professors who were their influence.
Say, how did they get those lofty degrees?
And that goes for lotsa PhDs.

Their minds are so blank they can't pass a blood test,
Perverted as they are through acid and incest.
I'm not in the mood to write them a poem,
Because I am leaving, heading for home.

(Refrain)
Let ev'ryone know I don't wanna deridja.
Be glad nonetheless that my name's not Elijah.

© Curtis Dahlgren

 

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Curtis Dahlgren

Curtis Dahlgren is semi-retired in the frozen tundra of Michigan's U.P., and is the author of "Massey-Harris 101." His career has had some rough similarities to one of his favorite writers, Ferrar Fenton... (more)

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