Curtis Dahlgren
February 23, 2007
Odds & Ends; like "What did the jockstrap say to the Jock?"
By Curtis Dahlgren

"How long before they start blaming global warming for the decomposition of Anna Nicole's body?" — Charlie Sykes (www.620wtmj.com) 2/22/07

THAT'S NOT THE ANSWER TO THE RIDDLE; I'LL GET TO THAT IN A MINUTE. Excuse the "rambling" today, but it's been such a crazy week that I don't know where to start. The third week of Black History Month has featured "crossover" news:

The hard news was on the weather channel; the weather was on the comedy channel; the comedy was on CNN; and the Judge Judy show was preempted — by the Florida judicial system. And the rest of the sociological and legal news was on ESPN.

What a country! "Entertainment Tonight" was upstaged by the Geography channel, and the other 555 channels were missing in action. OH — that reminds me: What did the jockstrap say to the Jock?

"I support the troops, but not the mission."

I should have used that joke sooner, because the politicians have milked that line dry and have moved on to "We will protect the troops." Hocus-pocus focus groups will never run out of catch-phrases, like drug companies coming up with new names for drugs.

Movie DVDs now have "alternative endings," so maybe it's time for alternative punch lines. For example, I was considering this riddle: "What did the jockey shorts say to the journalist?"

Answer: "Where's the beef, Tim?"

That reminds me of another riddle: "What did the National Guard troops on the Rio Grande say to the invaders?"

Answer: "We'll leave the light on for you."

How about this one: "What did the Homeland Security investigators say to the Border Patrol agents?"

Answer: "We threw away the key, so don't even think about appealing your case."

That wasn't a joke; that was hard news. One of the missing headlines of the week was this one: MAN BITES DOG; MESSENGER SHOOTS BULL.

So what should you do when the "messenger" doesn't report the news? What should you do when the messenger chickafies the news? What should you do when the #1 news item is "Will the real father of Anna Nicole's baby please stand up?"

Answer: "Put on your hip boots."

YESTERDAY WAS GEORGE WASHINGTON'S BIRTHDAY. WHO IN THE WORLD WAS GEORGE WASHINGTON? ABRAHAM WHO? RONALD WHO? McWho? I guess they missed that story on the 24/7 news channels.

What a country! We're not in President's Month anymore. We're in the Land of Oz in a rabbit hole, looking for a heart and a brain and some courage. We're not in Kansas anymore which is just as well — because that state's under water, y'know. Or didn't it make the news this week? Don't tell me — I should have known that the story got beat out by Britney and Paris (and what's-her-name?)!

Anyway, look at the photograph in this column. The global warming promoters told us that the seas were rising. Are those white caps burying Santa Catalina? NO — those are wheat fields in Kansas at an altitude of almost 3,000 feet. That's melted snow and still melting snow. A lot of irrigation pump motors are going to need replacing due to water damage. Don't count on the heartland and/or ethanol production to rescue you from your energy problems just yet, America.

Whatta COUNTRY!

Desperate housewives. Girls gone wild. Astronauts gone nuts. Hillary not black enough.

Deaths from illegal drugs? Somewhere between 17,000 and 20,000 per year.

Deaths caused by drunken drivers and "victimless recreational drugs?" The same.

Deaths by homicide in the U.S. every year? About the same.

Deaths from painkillers such as methadone alone? About 4,000 (abortion: 4,000 PER DAY)!

Deaths in toto from "violence" in America? Somewhere around 1,500,000. And you still want to talk only about military deaths? R.U.KIDDINGME?


In the meanwhile, doctors saved a 10-ounce baby after 22 weeks of "gestation." But the mainstream news media waits breathlessly to find out who's going to win the little golden idol named OSCAR. Ellen says she has a surprise in store for the Oscar show. I'm betting she announces she has converted to Islam (or something). I'm hoping she will cap off this CIRCUS WEEK by getting shot out of a cannon or something (just kidding, of course).

Why is it that liberals just love "proselytizing" by Islam, but positively loath evangelicalism? Do I have to draw a picture for you? The enemy (Islam) of their enemy (Christianity) is their friend, and they (the liberals) will use any useful idiot they can find to transform the culture (the same reason they have eliminated President's Month).

Senator Joseph McCarthy would take no pleasure in having been proven right, but today's liberals have proved him right by their own actions. McCarthy warned us there would be weeks like this. The intellectual lefties of his time denied that they were "un-American. " And they proceeded to "prove" it by abolishing the House Committee on Un-American Activities.

And you're surprised that the elitist authorities "leave the light on" for the invaders and throw away the key on Border Patrol agents? WAKE UP AND PRAY FOR YOURSELF, AMERICA!

P.S. Speaking of the weather, another thought just occurred to me about "global warming": Maybe God is melting the icepack on Greenland and dumping it on Kansas to give us one more chance to straighten up our House and get our affairs in order.

THE BIG FLAW IN THE SLAW ON THE SEAS-ARE-RISING THEORY: If the global climate is warming that much, evaporation of the surface of the seven seas will be speeding up also. God could transfer the water from Greenland to the Rocky Mountains if He wants to, without raising the level of the oceans one inch.

In any event, in the terminology of astronomy, our sun is what is called a "variable star." That means it is a star that "varies" in intensity. Neither you nor I have anything to do with that. DUH. Enough said?

PPS: Don't forget my "Top Ten" list of the most politically incorrect scriptures. Last week's column didn't have one so this morning I decided to open my Bible randomly to select one. It opened to Psalms (4 through 8), and I couldn't choose between the following two, so I'm including both of them:

"When I consider Your heavens, the work of Your fingers, the moon and the stars, which You have ordained, what is man that You are mindful of him? And the son of man, that You visit him? For You have made him little lower than the angels . . [and] made him to have dominion over the works of Your hands . . "

"In the morning will I direct my prayer unto Thee, and will LOOK UP. For Thou art not a God that hath pleasure in wickedness, neither shall evil dwell with Thee. The foolish shall not stand in Thy sight; Thou hatest all workers of iniquity. Thou shalt destroy those who speak bull" [my translation, or, in the Hebrew, "lying"].




© Curtis Dahlgren

 

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Curtis Dahlgren

Curtis Dahlgren is semi-retired in the frozen tundra of Michigan's U.P., and is the author of "Massey-Harris 101." His career has had some rough similarities to one of his favorite writers, Ferrar Fenton... (more)

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