Curtis Dahlgren
Headlines from 2012: THINK of the "possibilities'!
By Curtis Dahlgren
"When you come to a fork in the road, take it." — Yogi Berra
COMING EVENTS ALWAYS CAST THEIR SHADOWS BEFORE. Most Americans know that we are on the brink of something (and not just "change"). Here are some possible articles from the merged New York Times/Washington Post on October 9, 2012:
- Michael Moore confirmed as Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court.
- "Fairness" Doctrine reinstated with a vengeance; Christian radio stations ordered to give Equal Time to the devil (or face a "nuclear option").
- Rush Limbaugh now working as a dispatcher at a Trailways bus station in Kansas City.
- Secretary of State William Ayers stricken with leprosy; replaced by Rev. Jeremiah Wright.
- Rev. (speak softly and carry a white flag) Wright signs a non-aggression treaty with Iran.
- Alaska, which had seceded from the Union of Socialist States of America, becomes the #1 supplier of crude oil to the USSA.
- Bret Favre comes back from retirement again after the New York Jets move to Anchorage due to electricity blackouts in the Northeastern USSA.
- Jets will share a domed sports complex in Turnagain, Alaska with the Mets, who moved there years ago after blowing two pennant drives in a row.
- Former publisher of the New York Times coins the phrase, "Go north, young man."
- Due to a sudden rash of solar flares and rapid evaporation of the oceans, Hudson River and New York harbor become unnavigable; China blows up the useless Panama Canal.
- Alfred E. Gore wins Nobel Prize for physics by proving that solar flares are man-made.
- Former President George W. Bush indicted for complicity in solar-flare warming.
- Gas taxes raised to $12 a gallon.
- The border fence with Mexico is finally finished — by Mexico, to keep its former citizens from returning home.
- The South Pole's icecap reaches the tip of South America, making Cape Horn unnavigable.
- Dow-Jones average rises 25 percent in one day — to 500; retiring head of America's largest bank given a buy-out of a buck-eighty-five (in Canadian dollars).
- No Child Left Behind act amended to allow teachers to demonstrate alternative life-styles in the classroom.
- Act of Congress mandates free Viagra for Junior high school boys.
- Hollywood porno actors go on a wildcat strike and no one notices.
- Due to the hot weather, the Atlanta Braves move back to Boston.
- Asked by a friend if he would still support Presidente Obama, former Prez Bill Clinton says, "It seemed like a good idea at the time, Monica."
- John McCain finally finishes his memoirs, "Nice Guys Really Do Finish Last," but as of today, he still hasn't found a publisher.
© Curtis Dahlgren
"When you come to a fork in the road, take it." — Yogi Berra
COMING EVENTS ALWAYS CAST THEIR SHADOWS BEFORE. Most Americans know that we are on the brink of something (and not just "change"). Here are some possible articles from the merged New York Times/Washington Post on October 9, 2012:
- Michael Moore confirmed as Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court.
- "Fairness" Doctrine reinstated with a vengeance; Christian radio stations ordered to give Equal Time to the devil (or face a "nuclear option").
- Rush Limbaugh now working as a dispatcher at a Trailways bus station in Kansas City.
- Secretary of State William Ayers stricken with leprosy; replaced by Rev. Jeremiah Wright.
- Rev. (speak softly and carry a white flag) Wright signs a non-aggression treaty with Iran.
- Alaska, which had seceded from the Union of Socialist States of America, becomes the #1 supplier of crude oil to the USSA.
- Bret Favre comes back from retirement again after the New York Jets move to Anchorage due to electricity blackouts in the Northeastern USSA.
- Jets will share a domed sports complex in Turnagain, Alaska with the Mets, who moved there years ago after blowing two pennant drives in a row.
- Former publisher of the New York Times coins the phrase, "Go north, young man."
- Due to a sudden rash of solar flares and rapid evaporation of the oceans, Hudson River and New York harbor become unnavigable; China blows up the useless Panama Canal.
- Alfred E. Gore wins Nobel Prize for physics by proving that solar flares are man-made.
- Former President George W. Bush indicted for complicity in solar-flare warming.
- Gas taxes raised to $12 a gallon.
- The border fence with Mexico is finally finished — by Mexico, to keep its former citizens from returning home.
- The South Pole's icecap reaches the tip of South America, making Cape Horn unnavigable.
- Dow-Jones average rises 25 percent in one day — to 500; retiring head of America's largest bank given a buy-out of a buck-eighty-five (in Canadian dollars).
- No Child Left Behind act amended to allow teachers to demonstrate alternative life-styles in the classroom.
- Act of Congress mandates free Viagra for Junior high school boys.
- Hollywood porno actors go on a wildcat strike and no one notices.
- Due to the hot weather, the Atlanta Braves move back to Boston.
- Asked by a friend if he would still support Presidente Obama, former Prez Bill Clinton says, "It seemed like a good idea at the time, Monica."
- John McCain finally finishes his memoirs, "Nice Guys Really Do Finish Last," but as of today, he still hasn't found a publisher.
© Curtis Dahlgren
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