Curtis Dahlgren
We are the USSR; There goes "INDEPENDENCE" DAY, eh?
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By Curtis Dahlgren
June 29, 2012

THIS MORNING I WAS WALKING ALONG THE SHORE, looking at the footprints in the sand. And I said "WHY Lord?"

And the Lord says, "Why whut?" And I said:

"You know, why did you give us B.O.?" And He says:

"Barak Oboma? Think about it, my son." And I said:

"Think about whut, my Lord?" And He says:

"Think about America and its spiritual drowsiness." And I said:

"What does that have to do with the White House?" And he says:

"I had to let him win. It was obviously the only way I could scare the Hell out of people." And I said:

"That would be a good thing, right?" And He says:

"EXACTLY. Any other questions?" And I say:

"But what about these footprints?" And He says:

"Those? Oh, those belong to Bigfoot." And I say:

"Those would be some big shoes to fill."

We walked along the shore for awhile, and then I said, "That reminds me of another question. What really happened yesterday at the Supreme Court? I mean — other than scaring the Hell out of us again — what was John Roberts thinking?"

"WELL," says the Lord. "The night before, Justice Roberts was sitting by himself in an obscure bar in the area of Georgetown, when in walks Karl Rove, thirsty after a long flight from Texas on Ozark Airlines. 'Is this seat taken?' says the Architect. And Roberts snaps:

"'Well DUH; there isn't a soul in here. Have a seat!'

"'Thanks,' says Rove. 'Not to be nosy, but how are you voting tomorrow?'

"'I haven't made up my mind yet. And the liberal women on the Court are driving me insane.'

"'I understand,' says Rove. 'But maybe I can help you think this through. Do you want more liberal women on the Court?'

"'Are you kidding me?'

"'Well then, there's your answer,' says Rove.

"'What answer?'

"'Think about it! If Oboma wins a second term, he's going to pack the Court with Liberal women!'
says Rove.

"'I never even thought about that one, but so what?'

"Rove looked around to make sure no one was listening, and then he leans over and says to Roberts:

"'You can make sure that doesn't happen. By helping Oboma lose.'

"How can I, a mere Supreme Court Justice, do that?'

"'Well,' says Rove. 'I can't actually tell you how to vote, but think about it: What got the Tea Party so excited in 2010?'

"'ObomaCare."

"'BINGO,' says Rove as he left to go to the bathroom.

"A flourescent mercury-filled light bulb exploded in Roberts' head, and he quickly tossed down his drink and ordered a round for the House. At closing time, Roberts staggered home from the bar and called his chief law clerk.

"'I just made up my mind. I'm voting to uphold Affordable (haha) Healthcare. You write the majority opinion! And I don't care how you do it.'

"'Whatever works for you, Boss,' said the clerk.


"And that's the way it was," said my Lord.

"I understand now," I said.

"And other questions?"

"Yes, why is it that at the worst times in my life there is always only one set of footprints here?"

"
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT," said the Lord

© Curtis Dahlgren

 

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Curtis Dahlgren

Curtis Dahlgren is semi-retired in southern Wisconsin, and is the author of "Massey-Harris 101." His career has had some rough similarities to one of his favorite writers, Ferrar Fenton... (more)

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