Curtis Dahlgren
THE FIRST FAMILY (and everything you ever wondered about it)
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By Curtis Dahlgren
October 31, 2012

[THIS OUGHT TO GO VIRAL]- THE FIRST LADY'S NAME WAS SHELLEY; the second lady's was Lady Gaga; the third one was Kardashian; and the fourth lady was Whoopi Goldberg (who had to leave by the back dumpster door).

His old friends thought that "no nukes" means no more nuclear families. He only held cabinet meetings once a year. The only cabinet member he knew on a first name basis was Jay Carney, the Secretary of propaganda. Him and Jay Leno, the court jester. Plus David Letterman the soothsayer, and Marc Antony Rezko (the U.S. Public Land buyer).

He thought that the Border Patrol was the fence along Pennsylvania Avenue, and the security around Hyde Park. He thought that "vouchers" were friends who "vouched" for you at the polls in Wisconsin ("vote early and vote daily").

He only went to one intel briefing — and that was because he thought the CIA was something like the CIO. He changed the nuclear football to a basketball, and the 'Red Phone' was painted plaid. It answered with a message that said, "Press 1 for Russian; 2 for Chinese, 3 for Farsi, or 4 for English. Leave a message and we'll get back to you."

He never called Putin back, but he texted him. The 'October Surprise' was when he suspended campaigning to watch the chicks on the Weather Channel. And Big Bird.

His goal for the next four years was to convert Air Force One into an electric-powered dirigible. And to star in a movie called "Osama Benghazi."

The cost of electricity had gone up so much that I stopped toasting my bread and quit warming my left-overs. The price of gasoline was so high that I started riding a bicycle to town. And the President's civil rights policy was, "You have the right to remain silent. Or else."

His wife's biggest issue was "Where are we going to go for spring break next year?" and he said "To the Final Four, of course." Some say that between shooting hoops and golfing, he kept busy filling out his NCAA torney brackets and playing Fantasy Football.

He traded a bust of Winston Churchill for a bust of Madonna, and he got busted (ain't the English language wonderful?).

P.S. I seem to be getting some feedback. What's that? Show some respect?

OH — I didn't mean THAT family! I was talking about the First Family On Earth — Adam and Eve and the boys. You know — the first family to screw up. I was talking Eden, not D.C. Like the Yankees and Tigers, they didn't know how to make a home run.


PPS: The real author of this column is "anon." This all just came in over the transom at 12:01 A.M. on Halloween. As if things weren't scary enough, eh Sandy?

By the way — some people are comparing our President with Nixon (I mean, if Nixon was the only man who could get away with going to China, maybe da Prez 44 is the only man who could get away with making the state of Israel our 51st state?).

There are other comparisons too, but seriously, as Eve was the first to say, "It's time to make up and swell the coffee."
I MEAN: "TIME TO WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE!"

© Curtis Dahlgren

 

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Curtis Dahlgren

Curtis Dahlgren is semi-retired in southern Wisconsin, and is the author of "Massey-Harris 101." His career has had some rough similarities to one of his favorite writers, Ferrar Fenton... (more)

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