Curtis Dahlgren
December 8, 2013
How many speeches does it take to change a light bulb?
By Curtis Dahlgren

"The rooster is crowing 24/7, but the hens have stopped laying." – CD

ART BUCHWALD where are you, now that we need you? He was such an equal-opportunity kidder. Or how about that Will Rogers? If a country boy, say a Mark Twain or a Dizzy Dean, were to teach history (er, social science), it wouldn't be quite so "boring." For example:

FedMed healthcare is the Edsel of the 21st century. The federalis have a Master Plan, but if you ask me, they can keep their Plan A, B, and C. They think they have five aces to play with, but they're jerking us around like rodeo ponies and we're getting sick of it (no pun intended). They're having more fun with us than a cat with a mouse. They haven't laughed so hard since the pigs ate their granmaw. Their silo doesn't have a roof on it and it's 2 stories short of a windmill. The barn light's on but the cows never came home. The NSA and DHS are listening to the parakeets talk in the house, but no one's home there either.

To the Left, "the coolest thing" about power is Power (suhprahse, suhprahse!). The Left doesn't suffer from delusion; it absolutely revels in it They may know how to prime the pump, but what do you do when the well runs dry? Centralized power is cool until the slop runs out and the pigs go dry. You can shear a sheep once a year but you can only skin it once. The wolf is at the door and they're trying to save him. Who cares about Lil Red Riding Hood's granmaw? She was probably a fundamentalist who supported the "war on women." Tell her to just take a pill and chill. As for the woodcutter, tell him to mind his own business, they say; "it's all between the woman, her doctor's government, and the wolf." Doctors, if there are any, will be recruited to help save battered wolves and relocate them.

The theory of the Theory is a "new" and improved version of Bolshevism. It's all about "equality" – for better or worse! Uncle Sam is trying to practice medicine, but as Yogi Berra put it, "In theory there isn't much difference between theory and practice, but in practice there is!"

Tom Delay may get the last laugh. Congress says "delay" it. The Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel says "delay" it. Shucks, even da prez says "Delay it." The theory worked a lot better in the faculty lounge. One definition of "theory" is "conjecture, a guesstimate."

Government-run medicine is worse than bankruptcy. Those of us who can't afford insurance, young or old, may be just as well off. At least we're not overmedicated on prescription drugs like many of the rest of you people. We don't go to the doctor every time we get a crick in the neck. Talk about a pain in the neck, why should we be made to pay for maternity care? I'm male, single, almost 72, and sterile (how'd that happen? Just blessed I guess). It could be worse; I could be married to the anti-dote for Viagra, Ms. [you fill in the blank].

The Left uses the carrot-and-stick philosophy of government. Poll numbers are so bad they are trying to figure out a new benefit for 20-somethings (maybe a girl to go along with the free birth control). Lefties in Congress want to pass it ASAP so they can find out "what's in it" for them! The Left's fall-back philosophy is "If you want to make an omolette, you may have to break a few legs, um – eggs." [end of lesson]

P.S. If you think this social studies lecture is too opinionated, we're talking about a private school here (or a futuristic public school). In that school, social studies will be more "studies" and less social. Boys will not be put on Ritalin for looking out the window while waiting for slow learners to catch up. There will hardly be any slow learners, but if there are, it will be okay to give an F for an "F"! Teachers will "keep score," not aim for equality of outcome. They will grade by the content of your character. They won't care if the cat is black or white as long as it's a good mouser. This school won't have an LGBT curriculum, but it'll have one on TGLGB: "The Goose that Laid the Golden Brick: Economics 101" from grade one on. Reading will be mastered in kindergarten, naturally.

BTW, a couple of years ago, I was talking economics with a friend and we used the term "Left." A high school honor-roll graduate asked us what "left and right" have to do with it. She probably got an A+ in "civics," but she had no clue. But that reminds me of another story:

Back in France in 1813, when the paid political experts were advising right-wingers to "reach across the aisle" to the left side, the Emperor was demanding dictatorial power. "Who are YOU?" he asked, with that patented voice and gaze. It was a "crisis" because he was having a bad year at Leipzig. In 1814 he took a little trip down to the farm to play for the Elba Islanders in the province of Leghorn. He attempted to play "comeback kid" in 1815, but the playoffs at Waterloo were his Waterloo. He got knocked out of the box and slud out sight for good.

[I write like Dizzy Dean on purpose. In case a modern-day dictator starts putting intellectuals in mental hospitals, you can count me out, PERIOD.]

PSS: It's still autumn up here in the U.P. of Michigan. The leaves have turned, fallen off the trees, and frozen solid. It was 6 below zero on Pearl Harbor day. Almost exactly 6 months ago, we had 33 degrees on the third of June, and it was probably a lot colder "up north." The biggest complaint the polar bears have this year is the COLD.

We yoopers don't complain about the weather; we brag about it. It keeps Ivy Leaguers away ("God bless and keep them far, far from us," to coin a phrase). Besides, you can't move far enough south to get away from ice. Just ask Texas and Arkansas. They've had it worse than the Upper Peninsula.

What this country needs is cheaper heating fuel and a good five-cent bumper sticker. I saw a good one in front of the library the other day on an SUV.

"I VOTED FOR WHOEVER'S CURRENTLY SCREWING UP THIS COUNTRY."

© Curtis Dahlgren

 

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Curtis Dahlgren

Curtis Dahlgren is semi-retired in southern Wisconsin, and is the author of "Massey-Harris 101." His career has had some rough similarities to one of his favorite writers, Ferrar Fenton... (more)

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