Curtis Dahlgren
ONE-ON-ONE WITH CBS: "Abraham Lincoln walks into a barn"
By Curtis Dahlgren
March 8, 2017

"Your young men shall see visions and your old men shall dream dreams." – President Reagan's farewell address to the United Nations (1989)

THROUGH A SERENDIPITOUS FLUKE of divine intervention plus time and chance, Abraham Lincoln wakes up and finds himself instantly being interviewed on TV by 60 Minutes.

60 MIN: Good evening, Mr. President. The first thing we want to know is, what took you so long to agree to this interview?

Lincoln: That's a very good question. I'm glad you asked that question, because it seems as if I were dead.

60 MIN: That's no excuse when we want to address the people's concerns about your dealings with Russia, Mr. President.

Lincoln: What dealings with Russia?

60 MIN: Don't play innocent with us, Mr. Lincoln. This is the Fourth Estate talking here. We're bigger than the other three combined, and we're investigating your colluding with Russia to steal the next election from the Democrats by hacking! How do you plead?

Lincoln: Whoa, hold 'er, Newt; she's a rarin'! Calm down before you kick over the traces! I know what I mean when I say 'hacking,' but what do you mean when you say 'hacking'?

60 MIN: I think what we have here is a failure to communicate. But are you trying to deny that you made a deal with the Czar of Russia?

Lincoln: About what?

60 MIN: Don't play dumb. The American people want to know if you and Russia spied on political opponents, so yes or no: Has your Administration had any communications at all with any Russians?

Lincoln: Well, as you know, we have embassies in many different countries, but I can't elaborate any on specific talks. Some of those are classified.

60 MIN: We have ways to obtain that information anyway, but are you denying that you have had ongoing dealings with the Russians?

Lincoln: What I'm saying is that some of that is a sensitive subject and I don't want to go there.

60 MIN: This conversation is completely off the record, Mr. President. Trust us!

Lincoln: Well, just between me and you and a fence post, there are rumors that Russia may be thinking of dumping Alaska.

60 MIN: Alaska? Al-aska! That vast God-forsaken wasteland?

Lincoln: Yes, and we don't want the British Empire to beat us to it.

60 MIN: Well, assuming we bought Alaska, perish the folly, how much would it cost?

Lincoln: Secretary Seward suspects that Russia is going to ask four cents an acre, but he says that if we bide our time, we can pick it up for half that much. That's the art of the deal you know.

60 MIN: Yes, but how would you pay it? Is there gold up there or what?

Lincoln: That's the part that's classified.

60 Minutes: Okay, Mr. Lincoln. Whatever. The next question is, how do you feel about same-sex marriage?

Lincoln: Umm – my ears must have been damaged by that darn gunshot; I thought you said "same-sex marriage"!

60 Minutes: You heard the question, Mr. President. Do you believe in a constitutionally guaranteed right to gay marriage?

Lincoln: Well, uh, if that's the question, I suppose Mary and I had a fairly gay marriage. She was gayer than I was though. Some people said I was way too serious.

60 Minutes: Answer the question, Mr. President! Should people have the right to legally marry someone of their own gender, with a constitutionally guaranteed right to a marriage license?

Lincoln: Sounds to me as if it has become nothing but a piece of paper.

60 Minutes: You mean the Constitution or a marriage license?

Lincoln: BOTH. But just for curiosity, what's the next question?

60 Minutes: Certainly; the question is: Do you believe that a woman has a constitutionally guaranteed right to an abortion on demand?

Lincoln: Don't tell me: we've fallen under the influence of the Europeans again, haven't we? But that reminds me of a story . . .

[Cut away quickly to commercials for Preparation H and Viagra.]

_ _ _ _ _ _

P.S. "All the world's a stage and the men and women brothers; they all have their exits (some more gracious than the others)." – William Shakespeare (paraphrased)

© Curtis Dahlgren


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Curtis Dahlgren

Curtis Dahlgren is semi-retired in southern Wisconsin, and is the author of "Massey-Harris 101." His career has had some rough similarities to one of his favorite writers, Ferrar Fenton... (more)


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