Hillary's Song

By Lisa Fabrizio

By now it's not news that Hillary Clinton has been casting about for a theme song for her campaign to return to the White House in 2008. She's asking her followers to vote for the winning tune from a menu of nine songs including the Temptations, "Get Ready." That one's got my vote if for no other reason than the lyric: "If you wanna play hide and seek with love, let me remind you, it's alright. But the lovin' you're gonna miss in the time it takes to find you, it's outta sight."

But Mrs. Clinton and her aides don't seem to vet these things too well. Who can forget her dramatic entrance into politics when, in 2000, she announced her Senate candidacy to the blaring strains of "Captain Jack;" Billy Joel's ode on masturbation, pornography, suicide and drugs?

Dubious though I am that Hillary will ever secure her party's nomination, I'd still like to make a contribution to the cause. Even though she may not make it, she should be big enough to help out future candidates by chronicling her meteoric rise from mere wife to Democratic royalty. So, with apologies to Sir Arthur Sullivan and especially to Sir William Schwenck Gilbert, I hereby submit the following:

When I was a lass I served a term
As junior partner at the Rose Law Firm.
I worked pro bono with a smile so bland,
That they let me handle files for the Castle Grande.

They let her handle files for the Castle Grande.

I handled all those files so carefully
That now I am the doyenne of the DNC.

She handled all those files so carefully
That now she is the doyenne of the DNC.

As lawyer gal I made such a name
That Arkansas' first lady I soon became.
I played the role and it worked so well
That everybody thought I was a southern belle.

Everybody thought she was a southern belle.

They bought into my acting so thoroughly
That now I am the doyenne of the DNC.

They bought into her acting so thoroughly
That now she is the doyenne of the DNC.

At playing the chameleon I so excelled
That my husband's hankerings I soon propelled.
I wooed the voters with my homespun tales
Till I rode into the White House on his wide coattails.

She rode into the White House on his wide coattails.

Those ever-loving coattails worked so well for me
That now I am the doyenne of the DNC.

Those ever-loving tails worked so well for she
That now she is the doyenne of the DNC.

We grew so rich as President,
By selling off historic rooms for rent.
We raked in oodles of that do-re-mi
Through everyone from Buddhist monks to Charlie Trie.

Through everyone from Buddhist monks to Charlie Trie.

We cozied up so closely to the PRC
That now I am the doyenne of the DNC.

They cozied up so closely to the PRC
That now she is the doyenne of the DNC.

When scandals brewed on Capital Hill
I talked them down and then I propped up Bill.
But then they zeroed in on perjury
So I conjured up the vast right-wing conspiracy.

She conjured up the vast right-wing conspiracy.

The press was so delighted, they rewarded me
By making me the doyenne of the DNC.

The press was so delighted they rewarded she
By making her the doyenne of the DNC.

Now feminists all, wherever you may be
If you want to hone your viability;
If you don't mind linking to a ball and chain
Be careful to be guided this wise refrain:

Be careful to be guided this wise refrain:

Stick close to your man, and never let him be;
And you all may be doyennes of the DNC.

Stick close to your man, but never let him be;
And you all may be doyennes of the DNC.

© Lisa Fabrizio