Eden by fiat

By David Hines

This is a very strange year. The fireflies have yet to appear. They're awaiting action in Congress which will specify acceptable colors of light. In accordance with the proposed law against flag desecration, the red, white, and blue flowers have bloomed fuchsia, eggshell, and mauve. The stone terraces realized that they were not within government specifications and disassembled themselves. The tallest trees have dropped their excess height so that the shorter ones don't suffer from poor self-esteem. My cat is considering suicide, having committed the grievous offense of eating squirrel meat unapproved by the FDA.

Okay, so I lied. What's so bad about that? The way things work these days, it ought to win your acclaim and your vote.

Our leaders, despite all evidence to the contrary, get your vote by promising to eliminate every bad thing in the world. They can create a recessionless economy, egos with never a bruise, and well-paying jobs for even the most incompetent. Though politicians produce nothing tangible, they can give free stuff to everybody. (Name deleted by Supreme Court order) kicked us out of Eden, but by (Name deleted again) Congress can get us back there!

My fireflies are doing fine, thank you. They are blissfully unaware of OSHA regulations concerning the use of phosphorus. The flowers perform according to their nature. Despite the recent heavy winds, most of my trees are still standing tall. TC is still an unrepentant carnivore. The deer have done a job on some of the stone walls, though; there oughtta be a pedestrian responsibility law for those rats with antlers...

Plants don't await Congressional action, but farmers do. Last year Congress dragged their feet on the farm bill. Farmers delayed their planting, anxiously waiting to see what crops would be most heavily subsidized. To most of the Capitol Hill lawyer/legislators, their main exposure to agriculture is the grass growing in DC sidewalk cracks. The rhythm of nature is subordinated to the rhythm of back-room deals.

Equal opportunity is a noble goal, but how do politicians ensure equal outcome without dictating your personal behavior? Maybe forcibly modifying our DNA would do it. Perhaps you had better put off having that baby until Congress decides what sorts of kids are desirable this year.

Politicians may be able to alter reality by fiat, but seldom if ever for the better. Laws based upon faulty botany turned western forests into tinderboxes. Laws to make politicians more honest put them more in thrall to Mammon, and a new round doesn't promise to be any better. SEC regulations, far from controlling malfeasance, encouraged short-term thinking in long-term businesses.

It's tempting to think that collective will power can wish us a different reality than the one in which we live. However, as Thomas Carlyle said, "I do not believe in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance." Tom must have had Congress in mind. The dynamic is rather a mob mentality, and a rush toward the lowest common denominator -- that is to say, money.

But most of us could approve of a law outlawing air pollution by dihydrogen monoxide on weekends, and one forbidding the common cold. Then if we're dumb enough to stand in the rain on Saturday and get the sniffles, we can be victims and demand compensation.

© David Hines