Notes from underground

By Jamie Weinstein

© 2006 Cornell Daily Sun

Damn the world! Damn it!

We were able to keep them out for so long. For so long, I tell you. Every time one of these corporate types tried to gain access to our frozen paradise, we organized opposition against them. But no longer. The wall is breaking.

Ithaca used to be a nice place for aging radicals to live out their last days. After years of 60s activism, attending Woodstock and burning out on drugs while burning the American flag, we hippies found our way up to Ithaca and pitched our tent on The Commons. Most people retire to Florida or Arizona. Ithaca is where hippies come to die.

For years, we were able to control this town. We instituted our own money, Ithaca Hours. Some bills are even made out of our favorite substance, hemp. We cavorted around The Commons not as outsiders, but as real regulars. In Ithaca, we were the salt of the earth.

Soon came our friends the freegans. These laudable chaps — these moralistic heroes — nobly refuse to participate in the consumer, corporate economy by not dining at restaurants or buying groceries from grocery stores. No, these guardians of the enlightenment would rather scrape their sustenance from trashcans. They joined us and we joined them. It was a same-sex marriage made in heaven.

Yes, for so long we had it all. Had it all, I say. A socialistic utopia teeming with the most progressive among us. But, alas, the wall is crumbling. Damn the world! The wall is crumbling.

First came Target. This corporate monstrosity made its way into this Ithacan oasis several years ago. It attached itself to the Pyramid Mall like a mosquito to a human being and began sucking the life out of our community. What can I say? It was a success. Who could have imagined that people actually like to pay lower prices for their goods?

But if it was just Target, I don't think Ithaca would be in danger. One large evil corporation is just a crack in the wall. It can be fixed.

But then came the most vile institution man has ever known. And you say Saddam Hussein was evil? He has nothing on this big brute. Must I even utter its name? Please forgive me. It's just so hard to say. W-A-L-M-A-R-T. There I said it.

It is not only that Wal-Mart has everyday low prices, but also that it makes a profit. As a rule, everything that makes a profit is bad. And since Wal-Mart not only makes a profit, but an enormous profit, then it must be enormously bad.

So, when this inconceivable evil came to Ithaca, we didn't know what to do. How could we co-exist in a city with the corporate equivalent of Pol Pot? But I convinced myself to stay and not pack my bags for Castro's Cuban paradise — a place where water flows like wine and meat is but a dream. At least, I assured myself, it wasn't a Supercenter.

But now it is all over. We braved Target. We convinced ourselves that we could withstand Wal-Mart. We trudged forward believing that the worst was over. It couldn't possibly get any worse, could it? Guess again. Here comes Starbucks. Starbucks is the last straw.

Asking what's wrong with Starbucks is like asking what's wrong with AIDS. Yes they serve coffee. But it's CORPORATE, CAPITALIST COFFEE! How are we supposed to put up with that?

The wall cannot withstand the cracks any longer. There are too many of them. Here comes the deluge. We're all sunk.

With the arrival of Starbucks, it's about time to Heaven's Gate it. I mean, as Ithaca falls, so falls the last vestige of radicalism in America. Either we join our cultish friends on the Hale Bop comet or we join our comrades in North Korea. Here I come Kim Jung-Il. Here I come.

But I can't go just yet. Give me one more week. Then I say goodbye. For good. For real.

© Jamie Weinstein