Me and Mahmoud in Tehran

By Jamie Weinstein

Alumni Viewpoint

While you — yes, you — were enjoying the frivolities of winter break, I left on a jet plane and flew all the way to Tehran for The International Conference to Review the Global Vision of the Holocaust.

I must admit that initially I was a bit wary of attending the conference, but I convinced myself that my good friend, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, would never put his name on any type of hatefest. I mean, I'd known the guy since our days in madrassa together.

But I soon began to question whether the gathering was in fact an open forum and whether David Duke, a former Klansman, and the other guests were really 'scholars.' Could all these pronouncements of open debate actually be a façade hiding a more nefarious purpose? No, I thought. The Mahmoud I know would never be party to such a grotesque event.

But then I witnessed the final straw. Mahmoud rose — my Mahmoud — and proclaimed, "The Zionist regime will be wiped out soon the same way the Soviet Union was, and humanity will achieve freedom." Now he was advocating the destruction of a sovereign country?

Maybe I didn't know Mahmoud as well as I'd thought I did. I went back to my hotel, The Intercontinental Death to the American Crusaders Inn, and read all the recent news articles about my buddy Mahmoud since he'd become president. As it turns out, this wasn't the first time he had called for the destruction of Israel. In fact, he had done it so often that even I had written columns about his threats. Who'd have thought?

Anyway, armed with this new information, I demanded a meeting with Mahmoud right away. With much haste, a meeting was arranged and I was ushered into his chamber.

"Weinstein, my man, long time no see," Mahmoud exclaimed as I entered the room.

I started right at him. "This whole Holocaust denial act is just ridiculous, Mahmoud," I said. "In fact, it is so ridiculous, it is redonculous. The Holocaust happened. It is an indisputable historical fact. For you to hold such a conference belittles the memory of the six million Jews who were so brutally slaughtered."

For a few moments, Ahmadinejad was stunned. He is not often berated like this. But after regaining his composure, he responded.

"Jamie, I've known you a long time and like you. If I didn't, I would have you publicly stoned to death like a raped women for the way you just talked to me. But even if the Jewish Holocaust actually occurred, why should the Palestinians pay for crimes that were committed in Europe during World War II?"

I was prepared for Mahmoud's clever rhetorical tricks. When he doesn't like the line of questioning, he changes the topic to an area where he is more comfortable so that he is always in the driver's seat. I let it go because I was hoping he would bring this topic up.

"Who do you think I am, Mahmoud — Mike Wallace? Both you and I know that during World War II, the Mufti of Jerusalem, Mohammad Amin al-Husayni, met with Hitler in Germany to see how they could work together. The Mufti was widely considered the leader of what we call the Palestinian people today. Besides, you are just playing rhetorical games. Israel's legitimacy..."

"What is Israel?" Mahmoud interrupted with a wry smile on his face.

"Okay. Fine. As I was saying, both you and I know that the Zionist regime's legitimacy does not rest on the Holocaust and that the Palestinians' dire situation today is not the result of any mistreatment by Zionists, but due primarily to the duplicity and malevolence of their leaders."

"Yes, I have heard this interpretation," he replied. "And I suppose you are now going to tell me that the Zionists and the American Crusaders were not responsible for the Great Pacific Tsunami of 2004? Or, even better, that Jews do not have horns on their head?"

At these suggestions, my eyes glazed over and I began to stare into the distance. I couldn't determine whether Mahmoud was simply putting on an act or actually out of his mind. He may be sane, I thought to myself, but that didn't mean he wasn't evil and dangerous. The idea of an Iranian regime with nuclear weapons sent chills down my spine. The world could live with an anti-Semitic world leader, I thought. There are plenty them. But a world leader possessing nuclear weapons and intimately tied to terrorism intent on destroying the United States and Israel? The enormity of that nightmare was interrupted when Mahmoud again changed the subject.

"Before you go, I wish to mention one more thing. I just want to throw it out there. You really hurt my feelings with Resolution 29. You cannot imagine the effect it has had on us. We could care less about the sanctions, but when Resolution 29 passed the Cornell Student Assembly, well, that really hurt us."

By this point, I wasn't really even listening anymore and was ready to go. There was no point in talking to him — I could leave that to James Baker.

I turned and began to walk out of the chamber. Before exiting, I stopped in my tracks. "Oh, Mahmoud," I said.

"Do you have something else to say, my silly friend?"

"One more thing," I responded. "And please don't take this the wrong way. Or, actually, take this any way you want. When and if we meet again, I hope that you and your Mullah friends are no longer in charge of the great Iranian nation — squandering its wealth, tainting its reputation and threatening the world."

"But if I'm not the Iranian president, what can I be?" he protested.

"Well, how about a visiting professor at Cornell?" I replied.

"Ah, yes," he retorted. "Thank Allah for the American Academy."

© Jamie Weinstein