Mark Malaszczyk
July 29, 2005
See Dick talk. See Hanoi Jane talk.
By Mark Malaszczyk

She is nipped. She is tucked. She is enhanced. And she is BACK. Sixty-seven year old Actress/Activist Jane Fonda has announced that she will launch a cross-country bus tour to protest the war in Iraq, scheduled for March 2006. "I've decided that I'm coming out," she said. Green tea drinking, tofu-eating, Birkenstock-wearing, pale, emaciated vegans with multi-colored ribbons all over their tattered backpacks are rejoicing across America, running to get a second tattoo on their lower back and a ninth piercing in their left ear in tribute to the legendary Diva/Dissenter. Feminazis from New York to San Francisco are honking the horns of their Volkswagens in jubilation.

Fonda outraged most of the American public in 1972 after completing a two-week tour of North Vietnam. She was photographed sitting atop a North Vietnamese anti-aircraft gun, disregarded the obvious abuse of American POW's at the hands of their North Vietnamese captors and made a radio broadcast speech in which she stated that President Nixon would do well to read Vietnamese history and the poetry of Ho Chi Minh. As David Emery posts in the online website entitled "Urban Legends and Folklore":

.... when American POWs finally began to return home (some of them having been held captive for up to nine years) and describe the tortures they had endured at the hands of the North Vietnamese, Jane Fonda quickly told the country that they should "not hail the POWs as heroes, because they are hypocrites and liars." Fonda said the idea that the POWs she had met in Vietnam had been tortured was "laughable," claiming: "These were not men who had been tortured. These were not men who had been starved. These were not men who had been brainwashed." The POWs who said they had been tortured were "exaggerating, probably for their own self-interest," she asserted. She told audiences "Never in the history of the United States have POWs come home looking like football players. These football players are no more heroes than Custer was. They're military careerists and professional killers" who are "trying to make themselves look self-righteous, but they are war criminals according to law."

Nowhere in her 1972 public statements did she mention that 'Chappaquiddick Ted's' older brother put the 'boots on the ground,' or that escalation of the Vietnam conflict occurred under the Democratic Administration of 'Light Bulb' Johnson ["Let's Turn Him Out!"]. She also neglected to mention President Nixon's pledge to Vietnamization, and that he had brought over 400,000 service men home from the Democrat-created quagmire between the years 1969-1972. In 1975 she returned to Vietnam to take part in a celebration of the Communist victory, during which her own son Troy was christened after VC hero Nguyen Van Troi, best remembered for his assassination plot against former Secretary of Defense Robert McNamara.

Fonda has made a recent comeback, fueled by the success of her most recent movie, Monster-in-Law and her autobiography, My Life So Far. She has also apologized [on a limited scale] for her conduct in 1972, as the regrettable actions of a misguided youth [she was 34 years old]. So what has driven her to get back in the saddle again? Fonda recently commented on how many of the Iraqi war veterans that she has met on her book tour encouraged her to speak out against the war; one wonders if these people bear any resemblance to all of the world leaders who secretly told Senator Kerry that they really wanted him to win.

Hanoi Jane went on to say that the tour will begin as the war approaches its third year, and it will use a bus powered by vegetable oil to travel the country. Mizzzz Fonda deserves a lot of credit here. To use vegetable oil as a fuel is a wonderfully creative metaphor against what most liberals call the 'petropolitics' of the 'War on Terror.' However, where is the outrage about the concern for the bus? Is Mizzzz Fonda going to use olive oil?!? What is the current cholesterol level of the vehicle? This is a major bioethical and environmental concern. Perhaps former Vice President Gore should step in here, and explain to the nation that the threat posed to America by an internal combustion engine with excessively high LDL cholesterol levels is far greater than anything al-Qaeda can muster. Maybe President Bartlett [also known as Martin Sheen by we conservative, fur-wearing, carnivores], the only true commander-in-chief recognized by the Hollywood Left, should create a Presidential Commission to investigate the matter. My liberal friends tell me that not only is this type of vehicle fuel efficient, but it emits a wonderful scent comparable to that of fresh French fries. If this is true, we can all be sure that Michael Moore will not be far behind it, salt and Heinz ketchup in hand.

Please do not misunderstand the tenor of this commentary. This author wholeheartedly supports Mizzzz Fonda's anti-war protests, as well as the 'good' work of people like George Clooney, Michael Moore, Sean Penn, and Barbara Streisand. These 'activists' are the best thing that has ever happened to the modern conservative movement in America. Their droning diatribes against the current Bush Administration may have been essential to gaining swing votes in the 2004 election. I am sure that President Bush, Secretary of State Rice, and Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld all sleep well knowing that their policies are being carefully and critically analyzed by experts such as Barbarella, Batman, a Stupid White Man, I am Sam, and Funny Girl.

The First Amendment to the U.S. Constitution protects the right of ignorami to make public fools of themselves. In fact, this is what the United States is trying to bring to the oppressed peoples of the world, while rooting out those who wish to destroy us. Americans want Iraqi movie directors to be able to make documentaries like Fahrenheit 9/11 in a free society where dissent is protected. But we also support the right of those who wish to condemn the work as false propaganda. If Mizzzz Fonda had her way, then we never would have entered Iraq, and political dissenters would still be having their tongues cut out and weights hung from their testicles in torture chambers. A terrorist-sponsoring dictator with a clear track record of bio-chemical terror against his own people and a desire to obtain nuclear strike capacity would still be in power.

In conclusion, I believe that Mizzz Fonda should take the tour to the battlefront as well. Why should she limit herself to the friendly confines of the Left Coast and the left-leaning metropolei of America? Take the tour to Tikrit and Fallujah as well. To prove how WRONG the President is about the situation, she should make the trip without a security detail. She should break bread with the insurgents and get to know them better. Furthermore, to guarantee international coverage of the tour by the paparazzi, she should make all of her speeches in the bikini that she wore in On Golden Pond. This will guarantee her the attention-grabbing response that she so obviously thirsts for. But before she makes this trip, I suggest that she reads some recent Middle Eastern history and the rhetoric of bin Laden and al-Zarqawi. I wish her a successful tour and I hope that the American people exercise their right to expression everywhere that she speaks.

© Mark Malaszczyk


The views expressed by RenewAmerica columnists are their own and do not necessarily reflect the position of RenewAmerica or its affiliates.
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Mark Malaszczyk

Dr. Mark S. Malaszczyk is a veteran Social Studies Teacher in the Babylon Union Free School District (Babylon, NY) and a Part-Time Associate Professor of History and Political Science at Nassau Community College [Garden City, NY]. Dr. Malaszczyk is also editor-in-chief of the 'Vox Vocis Publicus', a site devoted to thoughtful analysis of contemporary American issues.

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