Lifestyles of the left and progressives: Green-tea wishes and tofu dreams

By Mark Malaszczyk

"A dispute at a recent College Republicans' demonstration at Washington State University — which included a professor cursing at students — is becoming the latest cause for activists who argue that colleges are hostile to conservative views....The College Republicans erected a 24-foot chain-link fence on the Glenn Terrell Mall to show support for the congressional passage of a bill to build a fence along part of the border with Mexico, and drew accusations of racism and other harsh reactions from counterprotesters....Videos from the incident were posted on YouTube, including moments of one professor demanding the student ID of the student videotaping him. Professor John Streamas combined "white" and a vulgar term in reference to a student or students, though that wasn't on film." [1]

In response to this most recent suppression of free speech that does not forward the liberal agenda on a university campus, a 51st state in America for those who are rabid in their opposition to the true exercise of First Amendment Rights has been established. Conservative and centrist academicians have fruitlessly battled the hard left for the past forty years over the issue of open discourse on campus. The creation of a 'land for the left' has been deemed the official panacea.

Land will be taken from Southern California for the creation of this Terra Sinistra. The state name is to be 'Leftwingia,' with its capital in the town of Kumbaya. The state flag is a tye-dyed rectangle with a peace-sign in the center, and the state flower will be a plant, cannibis sativa. The proposed capitol building is in fact a canvas tent that was pitched at the original Woodstock, to be located at the corner of Arlo Guthrie Avenue and Allan Ginsburg Way. An incense-spewing statue of Abbey Hoffman is planned for the epicenter of the main thoroughfare, Dr. Timothy Leary Street. The state anthem will be Joan Baez' 'Where's My Apple Pie?'. The lyrics are given below for all those not enlightened enough to be familiar with the ballad:

Been sitting on old park benches
Brother, hasn't it been fun?
But you remember me from the trenches
I fought in World War One
Yes, you saw us off at the troop train
Smiling a brave goodbye
But where were you when we came home
To claim our apple pie

Oh where's our apple pie, my friends?
Where's our apple pie?
We've walked and wheeled from the battlefield
Now where's our apple pie?

World War Two was a favorite
God was surely on our side
The teenage kids enlisted with
The blessings of their daddys' pride
Well the wars may change but not so the glaze
In the young boys' eyes
When they cry out for their mamas
In the hours before they die

Oh where's our apple pie, my friends?
Where's our apple pie?
We've walked and wheeled from the battlefield
Now where's our apple pie?

I volunteered for the last one
And I don't want to moralize
But somehow I thought we deserved the best
For the way we threw away our lives
For we all believed in something
I know it wasn't very clear
But I know it wasn't rats in a hospital room
And a broken-down wheelchair

Oh where's our apple pie, my friends?
Where's our apple pie?
We've walked and wheeled from the battlefield
Now where's our apple pie?

Yes, Johnny finally got his gun
Before he got his apple pie
Now he hasn't got a hand to eat it with
But still he doesn't want to die
Because he prefers to go on fighting
And let his baby brother know
When the next time around the call goes out
It's "Hell no, we won't go!"

There'll be no World War Three, my friends
There'll be no World War Three
We've walked and wheeled from the battlefield
There'll be no World War Three
Of course, state-sponsored distribution of psychedelic agents will be made available at any venue where the anthem is played.

Furthermore, Leftwingia will be granted full domestic autonomy. The state constitution will not be required to comply with Article VI of the United States Constitution [that would be the Supremacy Clause for those of you in the Feng Shui crowd]. Listed below are some of the main tenets:

1. Open Immigration/Borders: All foreigners are welcomed into Leftwingia, with no background check or naturalization process necessary. Newcomers are granted free healthcare and access to social welfare programs. Education is administered in the language of preference. Grades are determined according to what the student feels he/she is entitled to. Deportation is strictly limited, only to be exercised in the event that conservative viewpoints have been expressed and confirmed by our local law enforcement, lovingly referred to as the Thought Police.
   
   
2. Open Marriage Policy: Marriage is not defined as a specific union of anyone or anything. One can marry whatever they wish. Special tax incentives will be given to those who choose to marry an endangered species or a tree; in those cases, your state tax burden will be reduced from 99.7% on earnings to 99.6%. [This is definitely something to think about if you're young, single and attracted to things that can turn their head a full three hundred and sixty degrees or are sap-bearing.]
   
   
3. Embryonic Stem-Cell Research: This is fully funded by the Leftwingia State Income Tax. We have expanded the parameters on laboratory research to include living infants and toddlers as well. Human Cloning is legal, with special preference given to the DNA of anyone who voted for George McGovern in 1972.
   
   
4. Gun Control: There will be no firearms permitted in the state. Even the Thought Police will only be permitted to brandish short nightsticks of vulcanized tofu, along with copies of Chairman Mao's Little Red Book if social programming is deemed necessary.
   
   
5. Capital Punishment: The Death Penalty can only be sought by the state in five specific instances:
   
   
   1. It can be proven that the accused is an evangelical Christian.
      
      
   2. It can be proven that the accused watches Fox News.
      
      
   3. It can be proven that the accused had red meat for dinner.
      
      
   4. It can be proven that the accused supports supply-side economics.
      
      
   5. It can be proven that the accused or a member of his/her family owns[ed] an item of fur clothing. The state is permitted to look back up to twelve generations.
      
      
   In all other felony offenses, the accused upon conviction will be forced to watch Nancy Pelosi's speeches on the floor of the House of Representatives for a fixed period of time to be determined by a special tribunal consisting of John Murtha, Dick Durbin, Chuck Schumer, and Hillary Clinton. In the event of a tie, John Conyers will be called to be the deciding vote.
   
   
6. Separation of Church and State: References to God, Creator, Providence, Yahweh, Jesus are strictly forbidden in Leftwingia. However, the promotion of 'New Age' faiths, scientology, mysticism will be eligible for special state funding, provided that a written grant request specifically state how the message will slander, libel, or debase the 'Judeo-Christian Heritage of the Western World.'
   
   
7. Holidays: All religious 'Days of Observation' are prohibited in Leftwingia. However, state offices will be closed for:
   
   
   1. Antonio Gramschi's Birthday
      
      
   2. Che Guevara's Birthday
      
      
   3. John Lennon's Birthday
      
      
   4. Georg Lukac's Birthday
      
      
   All are encouraged to meditate in a painful and distorted position drinking a cup of chamomile tea and listening to the sounds of falling water hitting rocks for a period of six hours on these days. Please note: put the hot tea down before attempting to get into your pose. Burn treatment on these days will be considered an elective procedure, and will not be covered by your state-sponsored insurance.
   
   

Leftwingia encourages all free-thinkers who despise conservatives to consider relocating. Remember, all morality is socially constructed. In the absence of absolute truth, we can all 'sorta, kinda, like hangout, eh, man?'

NOTES:


© Mark Malaszczyk