Jonathan David Morris column
Jonathan David Morris writes a weekly column on politics and personal freedoms. His website is www.readjdm.com, and he can be reached at jdm@readjdm.com.
Jonathan David Morris
April 1, 2008
On Tuesday morning, August 27th, in the year 2007 of our Lord, I, Jonathan David Morris, suspended my popular weekly column for the first time in over six years . . .
Jonathan David Morris
August 28, 2007
This is going to be my last column ever. Well, maybe not ever, but at least a little while. Let me put it this way: Remember when ABC put Geena Davis's . . .
Jonathan David Morris
August 21, 2007
Jonathan David Morris: Good morning. I'm Jonathan David Morris, and today I'm joined by a very special guest, George W. Bush's outgoing chief political advisor, . . .
Jonathan David Morris
August 14, 2007
We all know the story about the stupid lady who sued McDonald's because she spilled hot coffee in her lap.
We all know about the fat kids who got fat eating . . .
Jonathan David Morris
August 7, 2007
Last week's bridge collapse in Minnesota was a tragedy. Another word we could use to describe it would be to call it a metaphor.
I'm not an engineer, and I'm . . .
Jonathan David Morris
July 31, 2007
Anyone who's ever spent any time on YouTube knows it's the Internet's greatest time-suck yet. Thirty second clips spawn 30 minute sessions as one bumbling . . .
Jonathan David Morris
July 24, 2007
Is it just me or has this been the best week in the history of American professional sports? Somehow, in the course of the last few days, the usual sports . . .
Jonathan David Morris
July 13, 2007
It's great to see so many Republicans jumping off the George W. Bush bandwagon. Now that it's considered political suicide for the GOP to support its own . . .
Jonathan David Morris
July 10, 2007
You may have heard that a budget impasse caused a one-day shutdown of Pennsylvania's state government this week. The only thing I don't understand is why the . . .
Jonathan David Morris
July 3, 2007
I've spent the last two weeks writing about immigration. I'm going to do it one more time this week, for two important reasons: (1) Because I have another point . . .
Jonathan David Morris
June 26, 2007
After writing my column on immigration last week, an old colleague wrote and raised a fair point: It's easy to say open borders equal freedom, but what do you . . .
Jonathan David Morris
June 19, 2007
I'm glad immigration is in the news these days. I love when people start discussing immigration. No other topic does a better job of popping the veins in Bill O . . .
Jonathan David Morris
June 12, 2007
You know, I've been watching these presidential debates a lot lately, paying attention to the campaign, and all that jazz, and the thing I find interesting . . .
Jonathan David Morris
June 5, 2007
I found myself watching another Democratic presidential debate the other day. I'm honestly not sure why I keep subjecting myself to these things.
Whose idea . . .
Jonathan David Morris
May 29, 2007
Dear Conventional Wisdom,
Who do you think would make a better president: Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama?
Sincerely,
John . . .
Jonathan David Morris
May 22, 2007
I like how people think Rudy Giuliani won the second Republican presidential debate. I guess that depends on your definition of "won." To me, he only won it if . . .
Jonathan David Morris
May 15, 2007
So let me get this straight. A couple of weeks ago, Don Imus gets fired for calling the Rutgers women's basketball team "nappy-headed ho's." A few weeks later, . . .
Jonathan David Morris
May 8, 2007
I love how it's May 2007 and the 2008 primary season is apparently set to get started.
The Florida Legislature recently voted to destroy every semblance of . . .
Jonathan David Morris
May 1, 2007
A few years ago, James Frey wrote a memoir called A Million Little Pieces, which created a controversy when it was revealed most of the things he was . . .
Jonathan David Morris
April 24, 2007
I think I've seen roughly 800 arrangements and spellings for the name of the kid who killed 32 people at Virginia Tech last week. I don't really care which . . .
Jonathan David Morris
April 17, 2007
Don Imus has been fired from his CBS radio show and MSNBC simulcast for calling the Rutgers women's basketball team a bunch of "nappy-headed ho's."
As with . . .
Jonathan David Morris
April 8, 2007
The 2008 presidential election is now less than 19 months away. As far as I'm concerned, that means now is the time to start planning how to destroy it.
. . .
Jonathan David Morris
April 3, 2007
I wish the news would stop covering the Middle East.
Let me rephrase that: I wish there were nothing about the Middle East for the news to cover. But since . . .
Jonathan David Morris
March 27, 2007
Okay, I've finally got it. I've finally figured out a way all Americans can pitch in to save the planet.
Drink beer.
I can't believe this simple solution . . .
Jonathan David Morris
March 20, 2007
It seems like the Transportation Security Administration really put a lot of thought into which items they decided to ban from airplanes. I was checking out . . .
Jonathan David Morris
March 13, 2007
Ah, the presidential election.
It feels sort of weird to be discussing the 2008 presidential election. After all, it's only March 2007. However, that's what . . .
Jonathan David Morris
March 6, 2007
Dear The American People,
Hi there from your friends at the White House. As you may know, the worst paper in the history of civilization, The New York Times, . . .
Jonathan David Morris
February 27, 2007
For those of you who were lucky enough to miss it, the Fox News Channel recently aired a new show called "The Half Hour News Hour," which attempts to do for . . .
Jonathan David Morris
February 20, 2007
This week is the fifth anniversary of my first weekly column. I realize this has no bearing on my readers, who wouldn't know my fifth anniversary from my fourth . . .
Jonathan David Morris
February 13, 2007
The only thing weirder than Anna Nicole Smith dropping dead at the age of 39 is how her death somehow inspired several days of wall-to-wall news coverage. This . . .
Jonathan David Morris
February 10, 2007
Senator Joe Biden shot his presidential campaign squarely in the foot recently when he referred to fellow senator and Democratic presidential candidate Barack . . .
Jonathan David Morris
January 23, 2007
I like how news shows are devoting serious time to the question of whether American Idol is "too mean" this year.
No, it's not too mean this year. Nor was it . . .
Jonathan David Morris
January 21, 2007
Every now and then, something happens in soccer that makes soccer fans think Americans will suddenly start to care about their game.
In the 1970s, Brazilian . . .
Jonathan David Morris
January 9, 2007
On Saturday, January 6, 2007, it was 70 degrees where I live. People were wearing t-shirts, shorts, and sandals as they walked down the street. I even drove to . . .
Jonathan David Morris
January 3, 2007
George Bush recently described America's performance in the Iraq War like this: "We're not winning, we're not losing."
This means we're losing.
Here are . . .
Jonathan David Morris
December 26, 2006
On January 1, 2007, you will probably forget 2006 ever happened. Luckily, I have been shedding massive amounts of blood all year long just to record the whole . . .
Jonathan David Morris
December 19, 2006
Can this be the end of stupid Christmas decorations, please? Can 2006 be the last time we celebrate Christmas with giant inflatable snow globes on our front . . .
Jonathan David Morris
December 12, 2006
It amazes me how 20 years have passed since Cabbage Patch Mania and people are still camping out for "hot ticket" Christmas toys. A couple of weeks ago, people . . .
Jonathan David Morris
November 28, 2006
Every year, millions of kids around the world write letters to Santa in hopes of receiving gifts for Christmas. Unfortunately, these kids are idiots. Santa . . .
Jonathan David Morris
November 21, 2006
(Author's Note: I finished this article roughly six minutes before I learned O.J. Simpson's new book had been canceled. Out of sheer laziness and the mild . . .
Jonathan David Morris
November 14, 2006
Dear Conventional Wisdom,
So the GOP lost both houses of Congress. What do you make of this? Was the midterm election a rebuke of George Bush's disastrous . . .
Jonathan David Morris
November 7, 2006
I've had a lot of bad experiences with utility companies. Never in my life have I had one as bad as my recent run-in with cable giant Comcast. After closing on . . .
Jonathan David Morris
October 31, 2006
It's not easy being a weekly columnist. Every week, in order to keep my readers, I must challenge conventional wisdom to a fistfight.
Sometimes this means . . .
Jonathan David Morris
October 24, 2006
I like how there are people in this country who run for office without having any idea why they want to win.
Lynn Swann is a perfect example of this . . .
Jonathan David Morris
October 17, 2006
The New Orleans Saints have started their season 5-1. Supposedly this is the NFL's feel-good story of the year. Well, guess what? I don't feel good for them. I . . .
Jonathan David Morris
October 10, 2006
Dear Utterly Useless Commissioners of the Federal Communications Commission:
I'm sorry. I thought we paid you the big bucks to clean up the airwaves — not to . . .
Jonathan David Morris
October 3, 2006
A couple of months ago, the State of New Jersey decided its taxes just weren't high enough. In order to correct this situation, the state introduced a new 7 . . .
Jonathan David Morris
September 19, 2006
Over the summer, Geno's Steaks in Philly made national headlines when owner Joey Vento posted a sign in his window saying: "This is America. When ordering, . . .
Jonathan David Morris
September 13, 2006
I've never been comfortable calling 9/11 "9-11." I'm not sure why this is. I'm not usually big on slash marks. Yet something about the hyphenated version of 9/1 . . .
Jonathan David Morris
September 5, 2006
The same day our nation commemorated the one year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina, I learned that the state of California had passed — and was now waiting for . . .
Jonathan David Morris
August 22, 2006
One of my editors asked me to write a back-to-school column this week. This assignment is difficult for two important reasons:
1. To me, back-to-school means . . .
Jonathan David Morris
August 15, 2006
A guy I know told me the other day he doesn't plan on seeing Oliver Stone's World Trade Center. When I asked him why, he told me he doesn't feel the need to . . .
Jonathan David Morris
July 31, 2006
A couple of months ago, I wore a fake Hitler mustache under my nose at a large social gathering. I learned two things that afternoon. One, that I actually look . . .
Jonathan David Morris
July 25, 2006
China and Russia are big countries.
When world leaders met at the recent G8 summit, President Bush was caught cursing, chewing like a cow, and massaging the . . .
Jonathan David Morris
July 18, 2006
It's funny how many people seem to think the burgeoning war between Israel and Lebanon is the start of World War III.
Maybe "funny" isn't the right word to . . .
Jonathan David Morris
July 4, 2006
GENO'S STEAKS (PHILA., PA) — TUES., JULY 4, 2006
Thomas Jefferson: Hey, Madison. Check it out. Only one more guy ahead of us, and we will finally be able to . . .
Jonathan David Morris
June 27, 2006
Do you honk?
Do you changes lanes?
Do you ever have visions of getting to where you're going while behind the wheel of a moving motor vehicle?
If so, . . .
Jonathan David Morris
June 20, 2006
Former beard wearer and popular vote winner Al Gore has a new movie out this month called An Inconvenient Truth. In it, he makes the case that humans have but . . .
Jonathan David Morris
June 6, 2006
Two and a half years ago, I wrote a column called "So Long, and Thanks for all the Fish," in which I came out against the Iraq War before war supporters coming . . .
Jonathan David Morris
May 30, 2006
On Sunday, May 28, 2006, George Herman "Barry" Bonds officially passed George Herman "Babe" Ruth for the second most homeruns in Major League Baseball history. . . .
Jonathan David Morris
May 16, 2006
In his 2000 book, The O'Reilly Factor, Fox News host Bill O'Reilly wrote: "It is never too late to use the gifts God gave you. Not many things are sadder — or . . .
Jonathan David Morris
May 9, 2006
Every now and then, the writer of this weekly column, Jonathan David Morris, likes to hand the floor over to someone who actually knows what he's talking about. . . .
Jonathan David Morris
May 2, 2006
[Note: I recently sent the following letter to the FCC. At the time of publication, they hadn't responded — much less given a redress of grievances — yet.]
. . .
Jonathan David Morris
April 25, 2006
Should I consider it weird how none of my friends have ever joined the army?
In and of itself, I suppose this feat is nothing exceptional. I know lots of . . .
Jonathan David Morris
April 18, 2006
We've all seen the Dateline specials. We all know there are child molesters living amongst us.
We've all watched Fox News or CNN during an Amber Alert. And we . . .
Jonathan David Morris
April 11, 2006
To: The American People
From: The White House
Re: Glasnost, Perestroika, and You
Fellow Americans,
Greetings! By now you're probably wondering why the heck . . .
Jonathan David Morris
April 4, 2006
Charlie Sheen likes prostitutes.
On March 20th, the aforementioned actor appeared on the Alex Jones radio show to discuss his thoughts on 9/11. He said he didn . . .
Jonathan David Morris
March 28, 2006
I like how the cool thing in pro-war circles right now is to say that Iraq is going quite well, but that it's the media's fault for focusing on the bad stuff. . . .
Jonathan David Morris
March 21, 2006
In last week's article, I wrote that "the only thing America's confident in anymore is its military." Predictably, I got a couple of letters from people who . . .
Jonathan David Morris
March 14, 2006
It's time to forget September 11th.
That's right. You heard me.
It's time to push it out of our minds.
You can hoot and holler all you want about this . . .
Jonathan David Morris
March 7, 2006
Seventeen percent of Americans think the First Amendment guarantees them the right to drive a car.
I'm not kidding about this.
Last week, the McCormick . . .
Jonathan David Morris
February 28, 2006
Hi there and welcome to another fine edition of the Conventional Wisdom Mailbag. I'm your host, Conventional Wisdom. You may remember me from such popular . . .
Jonathan David Morris
February 21, 2006
It's been a while since the Olympics seemed to mean anything.
Back in the day, the Summer and Winter Games would come once — and together — every four years. . . .
Jonathan David Morris
February 14, 2006
You know, I'm not going to lie to you. Sometimes I'm too open-minded for my own good.
I've been sitting here for the last couple of hours, trying to get . . .
Jonathan David Morris
February 7, 2006
A funny thing happened on the way to President Bush's State of the Union last Tuesday. Actually, a funny thing happened at President Bush's State of the Union . . .
Jonathan David Morris
January 31, 2006
Last week, Drew Westen of Emory University announced the results of a study conducted before the 2004 election, which examined the brains of George Bush and . . .
Jonathan David Morris
January 25, 2006
I never thought I would say this. In fact, I may regret saying it. But I've been thinking lately. And looking back, I'm sort of happy I voted for Al Gore.
I . . .
Jonathan David Morris
January 17, 2006
Would it be wrong to root against a man's career? Would it be wrong to consciously hope for someone — a living, breathing human being — to fail at whatever it . . .
Jonathan David Morris
January 10, 2006
I know a lot of dumb people who've said a lot of dumb things. In fact, I am one of those people. I've said that only-children tend to be spoiled in front of . . .
Jonathan David Morris
January 3, 2006
Hi. My name is Conventional Wisdom. JDM is on assignment this week, so I'll be filling in. Rather than write a traditional column (which I wouldn't be good at, . . .
Jonathan David Morris
December 27, 2005
Most journalists like ending the year on a down note with "factual" retrospectives. As far as I'm concerned, those journalists are whores. I'm the only one with . . .
Jonathan David Morris
December 20, 2005
On Wednesday, an NBC report revealed that the Pentagon has been actively spying on "suspicious" anti-war groups — among them, apparently, a group of Floridian . . .
Jonathan David Morris
December 13, 2005
I like how people these days are out of their g--d-- minds. When I was a kid, nobody cared if you said "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Holidays." Both phrases had . . .
Jonathan David Morris
December 6, 2005
Last week, I wrote a column in which I implored the State of California not to execute convicted murderer and Crips co-founder Stan "Tookie" Williams. I've been . . .
Jonathan David Morris
November 29, 2005
Imagine if, instead of crime-ridden Los Angeles, the man who would come to be known as Stan "Tookie" Williams had spent his early, formative days elsewhere. . . .
Jonathan David Morris
November 22, 2005
Ah, late November, that special time of year when Americans of all ages come together to celebrate victory over the Indians in the Battle of Thanksgiving. I don . . .
Jonathan David Morris
November 15, 2005
I've been watching sports for a long time. But in all my years, I have never seen anything like what's transpired in Philly the last few months — and especially . . .
Jonathan David Morris
November 8, 2005
The other day, I finally got around to seeing the 1999 movie, Election, directed by Alexander Payne (who also directed Sideways, which, for the record, . . .
Jonathan David Morris
November 1, 2005
For many years, Americans have wondered what it would be like to have a female president. This fall, ABC decided to answer that question by installing Geena . . .
Jonathan David Morris
October 25, 2005
I decided to call this article "Ten Things I Hate About Halloween." I'm not going to belabor the point with a long, drawn-out opening paragraph. On with the . . .
Jonathan David Morris
October 18, 2005
Everyone is a connoisseur of something. Some people know their wines. Others know their cigars. Me? I know Rocky movies. I've seen all five Rocky movies . . .
Jonathan David Morris
October 11, 2005
Paul Provenza: Hi there and welcome to Kid's Court, Nickelodeon's short-lived late '80s court program, where kids sue their best friends and siblings over . . .
Jonathan David Morris
October 4, 2005
As we speak, the town of Dover, Pennsylvania, is debating whether intelligent design theory ought to be mentioned in public school science classes. I find it . . .
Jonathan David Morris
September 27, 2005
Ever since the days of George Washington — who, little known fact, owned a giant foam finger and once ate his weight in ballpark hot dogs — no true, blue . . .
Jonathan David Morris
September 20, 2005
I got an email over the weekend from someone who works for Fox News, whose name is Jonathan David Morris. He said he was writing just to let me know that there . . .
Jonathan David Morris
September 13, 2005
I don't understand commercials for medicine anymore. I mean, I understand what they're trying to say when they advertise a medication and list its possible side . . .
Jonathan David Morris
September 6, 2005
I'm just going to level with you. I feel awful for the thousands affected by Hurricane Katrina. New Orleans looks like a post-apocalyptic nightmare, the way . . .
Jonathan David Morris
August 30, 2005
Best-selling author Bernard Goldberg has a new book called 100 People Who Are Screwing Up America, in which he lists... well, 100 people who are screwing up . . .
Jonathan David Morris
August 23, 2005
Let me tell you something. I've heard a lot of dumb questions in my time. Hell, I've asked a lot of dumb questions in my time. But, by far, the dumbest question . . .
Jonathan David Morris
August 16, 2005
Next month, the World's Oldest Rock Band — which is now so old that even the old jokes are getting old (and even the jokes about the old jokes getting old are . . .
Jonathan David Morris
August 9, 2005
Men learn a lot of things when they get married. I know because I'm a man and I got married a year ago. The way I see it, marriage is a totally awesome . . .
Jonathan David Morris
August 2, 2005
Cable news and missing white girls.
Missing white girls and cable news.
The two go together like chocolate and peanut butter. From Chandra Levy and Elizabeth . . .
Jonathan David Morris
July 26, 2005
Am I the only one who wonders what bathrooms will look like in the future?
I've watched a lot of forward-looking science fiction movies. Maybe even a few too . . .
Jonathan David Morris
July 19, 2005
Most Hollywood remakes suck. This news shouldn't take you by surprise. But it's pertinent because adaptations of old shows, movies, books, and even comics have . . .
Jonathan David Morris
July 12, 2005
All right, let me just get this off my chest: On Saturday, July 2, 2005, I, Jonathan David Morris, totally failed to eradicate African poverty.
That's right. . . .
Jonathan David Morris
July 5, 2005
Conservatives and liberals alike are looking at Sandra Day O'Connor's retirement as a chance to mold the Supreme Court in their image. But if you ask me, both . . .
Jonathan David Morris
June 28, 2005
I like a good 9/11 memorial.
I guess that statement looks weirder in print than it sounded in my head. But I think you know what I'm getting at. Many towns in . . .
Jonathan David Morris
June 21, 2005
George Bush needs help. Fast. And I'm going to give it to him.
I am thoroughly convinced that if things keep going the way they've been going, the end is near . . .
Jonathan David Morris
June 14, 2005
Last week, the Supreme Court ruled in favor of pain. And not just pain, but severe, crippling pain — the kind of pain you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy.
. . .
Jonathan David Morris
June 7, 2005
New Jersey is a horrible place to do business. How horrible is it? So horrible that builder William Juliano has posted a billboard near the Delaware Memorial . . .
Jonathan David Morris
May 31, 2005
A short time ago — okay, okay, way back in January — I began a discussion on the definition of libertarianism, which I've been meaning to continue ever since. . . .
Jonathan David Morris
May 24, 2005
Okay, so here's a question for you: Suppose good and evil are as clearly defined in real life as they are in the Star Wars saga. You've got good guys who wear . . .
Jonathan David Morris
May 17, 2005
Last week, Congress defended freedom by sneaking the Real ID Act into an $82 billion military spending bill. The Real ID Act establishes a new set of federal . . .
Jonathan David Morris
May 10, 2005
In 2001, a few weeks after 9/11, the New York Yankees lost to the Arizona Diamondbacks in one of the most exciting World Series in years. A lot of people rooted . . .
Jonathan David Morris
May 3, 2005
Life was better under Soviet rule.
Well, actually, let me rephrase that. What I mean is, I liked it better when Americans lived in fear of the Soviets.
It . . .
Jonathan David Morris
April 26, 2005
This week, millions of Americans will — allegedly — turn off their TVs for the sake of turning off their TVs. It's all part of an annual event called TV Turnoff . . .
Jonathan David Morris
April 19, 2005
On Thursday, April 14, 2005, the Washington Nationals (nee Montreal Expos) defeated the Arizona Diamondbacks, 5-3, in the first baseball game in D.C. since 1971 . . .
Jonathan David Morris
April 12, 2005
Occasionally I put a damper on a column. What I mean is, sometimes I pick a topic because I think I'll have fun writing about it, but then I write about it and . . .
Jonathan David Morris
April 5, 2005
Steven M. Warshawsky says I'm young, ignorant, immature, and breezy. This, in an essay called "On Terri Schiavo: A Response to Jonathan David Morris," published . . .
Jonathan David Morris
March 29, 2005
A longtime reader emailed me after last week's article to ask why I wrote about steroids instead of Terri Schiavo. The honest answer is, because I didn't feel . . .
Jonathan David Morris
March 22, 2005
All right, so now that Major League Baseball has testified before Congress on the use of steroids, the time has come to answer the question: Why? As in: Why, . . .
Jonathan David Morris
March 15, 2005
Apparently our national pastime is now a matter of national security. Last week, the House Committee on Government Reform called on several players to testify . . .
Jonathan David Morris
March 8, 2005
Did Vermont just secede from the Union?
You may have missed it, but roughly 50 Vermont towns passed resolutions last week calling for the return of their . . .
Jonathan David Morris
March 1, 2005
Only two movies had a real impact on American culture last year. One was Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ. The other was Michael Moore's Fahrenheit 9/11. . . .
Jonathan David Morris
February 22, 2005
"Anger is a gift." — Zack de la Rocha
A few days ago, a friend told me I don't write as angry as I used to. "You were better when you were mad," he said. A few . . .
Jonathan David Morris
February 15, 2005
The best American presidents are the ones whose names you can never remember — like Rutherford Hayes, Millard Fillmore, and that other guy.
Any president whose . . .
Jonathan David Morris
February 8, 2005
I have to admit the upcoming Dukes of Hazzard movie has a strong supporting cast. Seann William Scott and Johnny Knoxville will play the good old boys, Bo and . . .
Jonathan David Morris
January 31, 2005
Regular readers (hi mom, hi dad!) know I have been pretty relentless in my attacks on Pennsylvanians since moving to southeastern Pennsylvania last summer. . . .
Jonathan David Morris
January 25, 2005
In last week's column, I referred to myself as a libertarian, which I defined as "nicepeoplespeak for a 'guy who doesn't like government.'" After that article . . .
Jonathan David Morris
January 18, 2005
In his syndicated column last week, Armstrong Williams wrote: "In 2003, I agreed to run a paid ad on my syndicated television show, promoting the Department of . . .
Jonathan David Morris
January 11, 2005
"Better."
It's a word we use often, but what does it mean?
I spent the last week in L.A. and Santa Monica, marking the first time in 26 years I've been to . . .
Jonathan David Morris
January 3, 2005
You know how sometimes, when you're so hungry that you're borderline delusional, all you see when you look at someone is a nice, juicy turkey? Well, all right, . . .
Jonathan David Morris
December 28, 2004
Much of what you're about to read is true — except for the parts I made up. These are the Top Ten Stories of 2004. Read 'em and weep. Happy New Year.
10. James . . .
Jonathan David Morris
December 21, 2004
It is impossible to be an American, and especially a child of the '80s, without having watched — a hundred times — the classic film, "A Christmas Story." "A . . .
Jonathan David Morris
December 14, 2004
You know what we don't need? State birds. If you can convince me we need state birds, I will give you a dollar.
This dare germinates from a visit I made to . . .
Jonathan David Morris
December 7, 2004
I like how you can't look up song lyrics online anymore, because whenever you do you get 69 self-installing spyware programs that pop up ads, install search . . .
Jonathan David Morris
November 30, 2004
When I was a kid, we would play a game called "Telephone." Of course, I say "we" as if kids spontaneously sat down and played this game, when, in fact, that was . . .
Jonathan David Morris
November 23, 2004
Last Friday night, an NBA game between the Indiana Pacers and the Detroit Pistons turned into a full-scale riot, the likes of which are usually reserved for . . .
Jonathan David Morris
November 16, 2004
The first Sunday in November was unseasonably warm this year. Actually, let me retract that. This is the first year — and, thus, the first November — I'm living . . .
Jonathan David Morris
November 9, 2004
John Kerry says "there are no losers" "in an American election." There's a part of me that finds this ironic, given that it was said during his concession . . .
Jonathan David Morris
November 2, 2004
Well, Election Day is finally here, and this undecided voter has made up his mind. I've decided to vote. And there's nothing you can do to stop me.
Now, why . . .
Jonathan David Morris
November 1, 2004
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 2, 2004, 8:08 AM:
John Kerry: Hello?
John Edwards: Hi John. John Edwards.
Kerry: Oh, hey there. How are you?
Edwards: Not bad, John. Not . . .
Jonathan David Morris
October 26, 2004
It's often said that baseball is a metaphor for life. I'm not sure if this has ever been broken down scientifically. I guess I've just always assumed that the . . .
Jonathan David Morris
October 19, 2004
Believe it or not, I don't know if I'm going to vote this year. It's true. Election Day is November 2nd and I still have no idea what I'm going to do. You would . . .
Jonathan David Morris
October 12, 2004
Last Wednesday, my wife and I watched ABC's new reality series, "Wife Swap." I suppose there's some irony in this. But anyway, I'm sort of agnostic when it . . .
Jonathan David Morris
October 5, 2004
Jonathan David Morris: Good evening. I'm Jonathan David Morris, and I'm here with two very distinguished members of the plant life community — a bush and a tree . . .
Jonathan David Morris
September 28, 2004
I wrote last week that it isn't enough to complain about taxation without representation — that we've got to insist on no taxation whatsoever instead. Why did I . . .
Jonathan David Morris
September 21, 2004
It was right around 7:30 last Friday morning when I crossed over the Delaware River Bridge on my way to work. About a minute after merging onto the New Jersey . . .
Jonathan David Morris
September 14, 2004
It's been so long since I've been to a Philadelphia Phillies game that the best I can do is tell you it was probably 15 years ago. I'm not sure who played for . . .
Jonathan David Morris
September 7, 2004
"Time after time in our history, in the face of great danger, Democrats and Republicans worked together to ensure that freedom would not falter," said . . .
Jonathan David Morris
August 31, 2004
It feels so good to be out of touch.
Last Thursday I went to Best Buy and brought home a brand new TV. Flat screen. Twenty-seven inches. I would love to say I . . .
Jonathan David Morris
August 24, 2004
I should probably devote this column to New Jersey Gov. Jim McGreevey's recent announcement that he will step down for having had a homosexual affair — that . . .
Jonathan David Morris
August 17, 2004
Perhaps the hardest part about my recent move from New Jersey to Pennsylvania is trying to tell friends and relatives how to get to my new townhouse. This has . . .
Jonathan David Morris
August 10, 2004
You know what's not easy? Planning a wedding. I'm serious. This is coming from a guy who writes about changing the world every week. I honestly think that . . .
Jonathan David Morris
August 3, 2004
All right, picture this: Killer telephone numbers.
I'm not talking about easy-to-memorize digits here. Like, "Hey, man, that's a killer number." I'm not . . .
Jonathan David Morris
July 27, 2004
As I've said a couple of times in this column, I'm leaving New Jersey after 26 years when I get married in August. My soon-to-be wife and I are leasing a . . .
Jonathan David Morris
July 20, 2004
Late last year, General Tommy Franks told Cigar Aficionado that another terrorist attack on America, especially one using WMDs, could "unravel the fabric of our . . .
Jonathan David Morris
July 13, 2004
TUESDAY, JULY 6, 2004, 8:03 AM:
John Kerry: Hello?
John Edwards: John Kerry please.
Kerry: This is John Kerry.
Edwards: Oh, hi John Kerry. This is John . . .
Jonathan David Morris
July 6, 2004
To the untrained eye, it would appear Michael Moore's latest documentary, "Fahrenheit 9/11," is the cinematic equivalent of an ad for John Kerry. Indeed, as the . . .
Jonathan David Morris
June 29, 2004
George Bush has got to go.
Why am I saying this? Two articles, in particular. The first appeared in the Washington Post on June 16th. The second appeared in . . .
Jonathan David Morris
June 22, 2004
New Jersey is known for its roads. I have varying theories as to why that may be. Part of me thinks it's because the roads are the only things out-of-staters . . .
Jonathan David Morris
June 15, 2004
There's been a lot of talk this year — as there seems to be pretty much every year — about how unfair it is to be anything other than a New York Yankees fan. . . .
Jonathan David Morris
June 9, 2004
The 40th President of the United States, Ronald Reagan, has died at the age of 93 after a lengthy battle with Alzheimer's. In the days to come, you'll read many . . .
Jonathan David Morris
June 8, 2004
Ladies Night. It's the queen of bar and nightclub promotions, and it's popular nationwide. At the Coastline in Cherry Hill, New Jersey, for example, ladies get . . .
Jonathan David Morris
June 1, 2004
Soon, I'll be leaving New Jersey — the state in which I was born — to live next-door in Pennsylvania. It's an I'm-getting-married-and-need-a-new-place-to-live . . .
Jonathan David Morris
May 25, 2004
It was a Friday night and my toes hurt.
Let me explain:
I wear New Balance sneakers. But not the good kind of New Balance sneakers (i.e., the kind well-known . . .
Jonathan David Morris
May 18, 2004
I've decided the Patriot Act is not an assault on our civil liberties, but rather one big practical joke. Any day now, the feds will kick down our doors in the . . .
Jonathan David Morris
May 11, 2004
By now you've probably seen the photos of Americans mistreating Iraqis at Abu Ghraib prison. It's some pretty compelling stuff.
In one, there's a woman with a . . .
Jonathan David Morris
May 4, 2004
In the Village Voice last week, James Ridgeway suggested the Democrats should pick a new presidential candidate.
"With the air gushing out of John Kerry's . . .
Jonathan David Morris
April 27, 2004
Pictures of young men adorn the masthead on the Selective Service website. A surfer dude with his arms outstretched. A black man in a shirt and tie. A guitarist . . .
Jonathan David Morris
April 20, 2004
Walgreens. It's the self-proclaimed "Pharmacy America Trusts." Been there lately? I have. A few weeks ago, in fact, I went there to fill a prescription for . . .
Jonathan David Morris
April 13, 2004
Last summer, right around July 4th, it occurred to me I ought to support the Second Amendment. Not that I ever opposed it, per se. I just hadn't thought about . . .
Jonathan David Morris
April 6, 2004
My editor at The Aquarian requested I gear this week's column towards the under-18 crowd. Hey, no problem.
So first things first, young ones, let me say there . . .
Jonathan David Morris
March 30, 2004
So get this: I'm getting married in August. It's true. In fact, I've been planning the wedding for more than a year; I just never thought to write about it . . .
Jonathan David Morris
March 23, 2004
Over the weekend, former Bush administration official Richard Clarke — author of the new book, Against All Enemies — told 60 Minutes' Lesley Stahl, "I find it . . .
Jonathan David Morris
March 16, 2004
So here we are, a year since the start of the Second Gulf War, and Iraq at last has an interim constitution. I'm guessing most columnists will go with straight . . .
Jonathan David Morris
March 9, 2004
"Voting is for Old People."
That's the phrase on an Urban Outfitters t-shirt that's drawing Al Jourgensen's ire.
Who's Al Jourgensen? Al Jourgensen is the . . .
Jonathan David Morris
March 2, 2004
I suppose since this essay is largely inspired by Mel Gibson's new God flick, The Passion of the Christ, I should start with a quick review. I had a chance to . . .
Jonathan David Morris
February 24, 2004
From: The White House
To: The American People
Fellow Americans,
After months of debate and curious speculation amongst the people and the press, the White . . .
Jonathan David Morris
February 17, 2004
We were on our way back from lunch last week when a colleague and I were pulled aside for speeding on a wide-open, four-lane road. It was actually pretty nice . . .
Jonathan David Morris
February 10, 2004
According to Matt Drudge, FCC Chairman Michael Powell "considered holding a dramatic license revocation hearing against CBS" following Janet Jackson's sexual . . .
Jonathan David Morris
February 3, 2004
I wrote last week that I was disavowing the Republican Party due to reckless spending, the Patriot Act, and President Bush's reluctance to directly address us . . .
Jonathan David Morris
January 27, 2004
I start on a personal note. I would like for the record to show that, today, I formally disavow the Republican Party as well as my past support for the Second . . .
Jonathan David Morris
January 20, 2004
How did he do it?
That's the question folks find themselves asking now. John Kerry was running eight-tenths of a mile behind Howard Dean for months. He couldn . . .
Jonathan David Morris
January 13, 2004
Mexican President Vicente Fox is calling for open borders across North America, and his American counterpart is two fingers shy of shaking on it. George Bush's . . .
Jonathan David Morris
January 5, 2004
I laugh sometimes when I hear Republicans and Democrats fighting over appointments to the Supreme Court. Both parties rally their bases by pledging to appoint . . .
Jonathan David Morris
December 30, 2003
Bizarro. If I had to pick one word to describe 2003, "bizarro" — as in Bizarro-Superman, who was just like Superman except entirely different — would be that . . .
Jonathan David Morris
December 23, 2003
It seems like every year at around this time we start hearing stories of this or that Christmas symbol being banned from public display. In New York this year, . . .
Jonathan David Morris
December 16, 2003
When they caught him, he was living in squalor beneath the Earth's crust — unshaven, disheveled — a poor excuse for the man who once pranced through lavish . . .
Jonathan David Morris
December 9, 2003
I've got an idea: Let's regulate people's viewpoints.
No, wait. That wasn't my idea. That was Howard Dean's. My idea was to stop by ShopRite for eggnog. Sorry. . . .
Jonathan David Morris
December 2, 2003
Nine out of every ten times I go to the doctor, I end up spending two hours in the waiting room flipping through the pages of a six-month-old Sports Illustrated . . .
Jonathan David Morris
November 25, 2003
So the King of Pop, Michael Jackson, is charged with molesting a child.
Let me put on my surprised face — which, strangely enough, looks just like the face I . . .
Jonathan David Morris
November 18, 2003
Earlier this month, an 80-year-old man named Lester Campbell was mugged while riding the elevator to his Bronx apartment. The struggle went down like a bad . . .
Jonathan David Morris
November 11, 2003
"I knew I was the frontrunner," Howard Dean said last week, "because I keep picking buckshot out of my rear end all the time."
This happened on the set of CNN . . .
Jonathan David Morris
November 4, 2003
A few short hours after speaking one-on-one with Alan Keyes, I arrived as planned at the Amnion fundraising dinner to hear his keynote speech. Given his . . .
Jonathan David Morris
October 28, 2003
Amnion is a crisis pregnancy group local to the Philadelphia area. Its mission is to provide pro-life counsel to those contemplating, or in some cases coping . . .
Jonathan David Morris
October 21, 2003
You may recall that Joe Lieberman was one of three Democratic candidates — along with Dick Gephardt and Dennis Kucinich — seen begging for forgiveness after . . .
Jonathan David Morris
October 14, 2003
Wouldn't it be weird if, a year from now, Californians recall Arnold Schwarzenegger and replace him with Gray Davis? Yeah, I know it's not likely, but I wouldn . . .
Jonathan David Morris
October 7, 2003
A few months ago, I wrote about the Free State Project — a plan whereby thousands of libertarians and constitutional purists would move en masse to a single . . .
Jonathan David Morris
September 30, 2003
Last week, the Thought Police thought to send a couple of rent-a-cops over to Southern Methodist University to shut down a — get this — bake sale. That's right, . . .
Jonathan David Morris
September 23, 2003
A common misconception these days is that last week's addition of Gen. Wesley Clark brings the field of Democratic presidential contenders to a total of ten. . . .
Jonathan David Morris
September 16, 2003
Rudy Giuliani said something on TV last week — and I can't remember which station he was on, or else I'd give credit — but what he said was that New York City . . .
Jonathan David Morris
September 9, 2003
God's honest truth? As a writer, writing about the second anniversary of September 11th isn't as easy as writing about the first one was. The story arc's not so . . .
Jonathan David Morris
September 2, 2003
Former Vermont Gov. Howard Dean has taken a 38 to 17 percent lead over Massachusetts Sen. John Kerry in a Zogby Poll of likely voters in next January's New . . .
Jonathan David Morris
August 19, 2003
You may have missed it, what with all the uproar out in California lately, but another state with budget troubles, Alabama, is apparently pitting God against . . .
Jonathan David Morris
August 18, 2003
I was in an office when it happened — when the lights flickered and the Net went down.
And just like that, about a quarter past four, it felt like 9/11 all . . .
Jonathan David Morris
August 12, 2003
Sixty-five signatures and thirty-five hundred bucks.
That's all it takes these days to declare your gubernatorial candidacy.
And when I say "your candidacy," . . .
Jonathan David Morris
August 5, 2003
That he joined the GOP to sneak into office notwithstanding, NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg has an apparent knack for stating the obvious. Such was the case last . . .
Jonathan David Morris
July 29, 2003
In a joint congressional report released just two days after the deaths of Uday and Qusay Hussein last week, it was revealed that the US government did, indeed, . . .
Jonathan David Morris
July 22, 2003
By now you know the story of George Washington, who, after chopping down his dad's cherry tree, admitted guilt with the famous words, "Father, I cannot tell a . . .
Jonathan David Morris
July 15, 2003
You know an issue is hot when the fact that it's an issue becomes an issue all its own.
No recent example better exemplifies this phenomenon than the celebrity . . .
Jonathan David Morris
July 8, 2003
Don't look now, but France is ready to rekindle the Franco-American fire.
Two months removed from major combat in Iraq, the French have embarked on an . . .
Jonathan David Morris
July 2, 2003
I got a letter in the mail a few weeks back with the words "Final Notice" written in red on the envelope. I soon noticed it was from the NRA. They were looking . . .
Jonathan David Morris
June 23, 2003
It's said that scientists, in testing the big bang theory, might someday spark the creation of a new universe inside a particle accelerator — the expansion of . . .
Jonathan David Morris
June 17, 2003
"Earlier today," an American president once said, "I ordered America's armed forces to strike military and security targets in Iraq. They are joined by British . . .
