The stories you won't be seeing

By Jonathan David Morris

This is going to be my last column ever. Well, maybe not ever, but at least a little while. Let me put it this way: Remember when ABC put Geena Davis's "Commander In Chief" on hiatus? Okay, me neither. But I understand it happened, and this will be similar.

I don't know how long this sabbatical will last, or if the word "sabbatical" is really a well-intentioned euphemism for "I'm quitting the column. So long, suckers!" My guess is I should only be out a couple of weeks.

This decision comes after many painful months of soul-searching, condensed into one mildly thoughtful, mostly pain-free night. As many of you know, I am currently working on a novel. Actually, I've got a few in the works, but one in particular it's about time to see on store shelves. At this point, I could go on trying to strike a balance between two very different kinds of writing, or I could say it's affecting my work and take a break from the weekly articles. Obviously, I've chosen the second option. Not only is it easier, but it lets me say I'm doing this for my readers' sake (which isn't altogether untrue).

I'm sort of limited right now when it comes to discussing the book. I don't have an agent or a publisher, but if I did, I'm sure they would tell me to keep it top secret. (Speaking of which, if you're an agent or publisher — have your people call my people. I'm in the market, in case you can't tell.) For now, let's just say the book will be funny and exceedingly violent, and leave it at that. If you're a fan of my writing — or heck, if you aren't — I would ask you to join the newsletter at www.readjdm.com for updates as well as news on when I'll return to the column-writing circuit.

Of course, I would be remiss if I ducked out without discussing some major upcoming news stories. The next few months figure to be unbelievably exciting, so as I say so long for now, here's a sneak peek at some of the news I won't be around to talk about:

• In the first major news of the JDM-Goes-On-Sabbatical Era, world peace becomes a reality on September 11, 2007, when George Bush fires Dick Cheney and replaces him with Superman. The new VP flies backwards around the Earth to undo Iraq and 9/11, and Bush invokes a new non-interventionist foreign policy that inspires every country on the planet to mind its own business and prosper through trade. Ironically, Superman is grounded by his father, who specifically warned him not to interfere with human history.
  
  
• Hollywood is shocked when Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, Britney Spears, and Lindsay Lohan are revealed, along with Steve Guttenberg, to be the five pieces of a giant, Voltron-esque Mother Teresa. Together, they travel the globe to impoverished countries, bringing clean water and defending the poor against gargantuan, moth-like villains. Steve Guttenberg is arrested in Nigeria for piloting under the influence of Michael Winslow's weird robot sounds in the "Police Academy" movies.
  
  
• Researchers delight Americans everywhere with a new study released in late September proving funnel cakes, Mickey D's french fries, and pure animal fat are the healthiest foods on Earth. In an unrelated story, everyone in America spends the next afternoon puking.
  
  
• In a remarkable turn of events, Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick is sentenced to 4,000 years in prison for his role in an underground dogfighting ring. Vick's superathletic powers allow him to serve the entire term in under three weeks, at which point he returns to the field and leads the Falcons to a stunning mid-October Super Bowl victory. Asked what it's like to be the first black quarterback ever to win a Super Bowl before the actual Super Bowl, Vick and his dog, Michael Vick, transform into Ray Charles and a piano, at which point they perform "Diet Pepsi. Uh-Huh."
  
  
• Finally, in an effort to trick fellow trick-or-treaters, Halloween dresses up as Christmas for an October 31st costume party. Unfortunately, global warming panic ensues, leading Brad Pitt to dump Angelina Jolie for Jennifer Anniston, who then dumps Brad Pitt for Angelina Jolie.
  
  

© Jonathan David Morris