Carey Roberts
Hungry for profits? Diversify into abuse shelters!
By Carey Roberts
June 3, 2010

With the stock market tanking and the economy floundering, many are on the look-out for a lucrative yet safe investment vehicle. So why not consider what may be the best financial opportunity around: ABUSE SHELTERS. Many don't realize that shelters enjoy million-dollar-plus budgets, so we're talking real money here!

Here are 10 reasons why diversifying your retirement portfolio into abuse shelters is a sure-bet to deliver strong capital appreciation with little downside risk:

1. Low Upfront Costs. Many abuse shelters consist of a sad-sack house in a remote part of town. All you need to do is buy a fixer-upper, dab on a coat of paint, and you're ready for business!

2. Rapidly-Growing Demand. "Domestic violence" used to mean planting a knuckle sandwich squarely on your partner's face. But now, calling your wife a "fatso" or chiding your husband as a couch-potato is grounds for police action. Shelters don't require any proof of abuse, and any tall-tale will do.

3. Charge for Non-Existent Services. The Southern Christian Leadership Conference operated an abuse shelter in Dayton, Ohio until the dilapidated facility finally had to be shut down. But that didn't stop the SCLC from continuing to bill the Federal Emergency Management Agency for providing make-believe services to long-gone victims.

4. Slave Labor. Half of shelter workers are volunteers, and the rest are ladies with a degree in Women's Studies. They can't find gainful employment anywhere else, so you can hire them for a song and work them to the bone.

5. Creative Accounting. Abuse shelters are an unregulated industry and enjoy minimal reporting requirements. Just last week, a former shelter worker revealed how her director would doctor the utilization reports to goose the profits:

6. No Extra Security. Some abuse shelters hire staffers who won't hesitate for a second to clean your clock. That's what AWARE Inc. of Jackson, Mich. did, until shelter manager LaDonna Glenn was convicted last month of felonious assault against her husband.

7. Tax-Exempt Fashion Statement: At the Washington DC-based Knock-Out Abuse, Shelter Chic is the word. Shelter employees rave about the "bold green wainscoting," "fantastic mint green haven," and even "bliss living." Nowadays, being a domestic violence victim has its perks.

8. Rich and Famous. Domestic violence has become the trendy social cause for the affluent white female demographic. Make your lachrymose battered-women pitch and watch the checkbooks come flying out.

9. Hob-Nobbing Politicos. One of lawmakers' best applause lines is how they got tough on domestic violence and came to the valiant rescue of defenseless women. Enlist a politician in your noble cause and watch your fortunes soar!

10. Diversification. Since abuse supposedly pervades every corner of our society, you can do practically anything, legal or otherwise, in the name of stopping domestic violence. Here are a few examples:

— Dog Rescue. That's what the Safe Harbor Foundation of Leonard, Texas did. But last month the shelter ran out of money, the dogs turned sickly, and the cops were called in. Bad for the dogs, bad for business.

— Drug Dealing. Shelters don't screen potential residents for criminal activity, so drug dealing is commonplace inside shelter walls. Sade Gant, employee of the AWARE shelter in Michigan, recently pleaded 'no contest' to a misdemeanor charge of maintaining a local drug house.

— Used Cars. In Mountain View, Calif., Gary Kegel seized on the idea of selling second-hand cars in the name of bankrolling the Community Fellowship for Battered Women. But a probe found only 5% of the car sales went to support the shelter.

— Immigrant Running. The SHIELD Foundation Shelter in Phoenix, Ariz. coaches immigrant women to make outrageous accusations of abuse, forcing unsuspecting boyfriends from their homes. While he's gone, she pawns off his valuables on the Black Market.

But a word to the wise...

Avoid shelters in major urban centers that employ staff with skyscraper salaries. At the Safe Horizon shelter in New York City, CEO Scott Millstein does well by doing good on a $170,000 paycheck. At the Family Place in Dallas, director Paige Flink enjoys the good life with $163,000 in salary and benefits.

So cash in on this ground-floor opportunity while the competition is flat-footed and the market is still hot!

© Carey Roberts


The views expressed by RenewAmerica columnists are their own and do not necessarily reflect the position of RenewAmerica or its affiliates.
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Carey Roberts

Carey Roberts is an analyst and commentator on political correctness. His best-known work was an exposé on Marxism and radical feminism... (more)

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