Helen Weir
Hardline RINOs hand victory to Democrats
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By Jane Q. Smith
November 5, 2009

NY23 In a stunning climax to Tuesday's most closely watched political duel, Conservative Party challenger Doug Hoffman captured an astounding 45% of the vote in New York's 23rd Congressional District, emboldening traditional voters throughout the nation and undermining conventional Limbaugh-based wisdom about the lack of viability of third party candidates in general. While not enough to defeat Democrat Bill Owens, Hoffman's astonishing performance nevertheless handed the Republican leadership its collective hat, serving as a wake-up call to a Party establishment that waited until the last minute to quasi-endorse Hoffman only when there was no alternative left . Hardline RINO Dede Scozzafava, the establishment Republican candidate whose leftist views proved too far out of the American mainstream to be sustainable, had suspended her candidacy during the best possible news blackout the celebration of Halloween last Saturday.

"We never expected Hoffman to do this well," conceded GOP strategist Bill N. Nobody, speaking from the Owens victory party where he and other Scozzafava supporters were gathered late Tuesday night. "We were kinda hoping that he wouldn't, you know? It makes us look bad. If we had realized that some right wing nut job could pull down those kinds of numbers, we coulda thrown Dede under the bus a lot sooner. That's the nature of true leadership to be able to tell who is going to win in time to take the credit for it. But tomorrow's another day."

The race was statistically decided by the 5.5 percent of the vote which Scozzafava siphoned off, by withdrawing too late to prevent her name from appearing on the ballot. Had she not chosen to play the role of spoiler, the remaining votes would have been enough to sweep challenger Hoffman, a relative unknown until recently, to a staggering victory. Opinion remains divided as to why certain New Yorkers pulled the lever for a candidate who was no longer running. "Isn't a Scozzafava a corned beef with Thousand on rye?" asked John Airhead of Notown, adding, "Isn't this Danny's Deli? Where's my sandwich?"

On a morning when the nation has learned that the GOP recaptured the governorships of New Jersey and Virginia, and the citizens of Maine have stunningly voted to uphold traditional marriage, ordinary people and pundits alike are struggling to determine whether or not yesterday's results constitute a commentary on the waning popularity of the current administration. "It absolutely does not," insisted Democratic strategist Mike "The Mauler" Meatball, pausing periodically to wipe the froth from his mouth. "Barack Obama is as much a messiah now as he ever was. The CBO has confirmed that not a single American had Barack Obama in mind when casting any vote for the GOP or against gay marriage. I am not thinking about Barack Obama. You are not thinking about Barack Obama. NOBODY IS THINKING ABOUT BARACK OBAMA. Get me, or do I have to slip you a convincer?"

Conversely, analysts agree that the Bill Owens victory in New York 23 has demonstrated that Sarah Palin is mentally ill and that constitutional term limits should be repealed to permit the current President to remain in office for life, reserving the right to appoint his own successor. "Oh, yes, I voted for Owens because I adore Barack Obama," confirmed Maggie Dreamer, 27, who moved from Rio Linda, California, to New York 23 solely to participate in yesterday's special election. "Now that we've made history through Obama's historical presidency, history must continue post-racially. It's the first time in history that a black man has been elected senator from New York's 23rd Congressional District. Isn't that historical?" When reminded that Bill Owens is not, in fact, black, Dreamer retorted, "Where'd you hear that Fox News?" Shown a photo of the new Democratic senator, she paused a moment before indicating that any friend of Barack Obama's is "black enough" for her.

Meanwhile, reaction from the White House itself has been uncharacteristically reserved. Sources confirmed that Obama personally was "not aware" that any elections were taking place, spending the evening reviewing tapes of the sermons of the Rev. Jeremiah Wright instead.

© Jane Q. Smith

 

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