Curtis Dahlgren
"HOW COLD" is it? (we don't even want to know, it's so abominably cold)
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By Curtis Dahlgren
February 4, 2009

"HOW COLD DO YOU WANT IT?" Jim Ott (Wisconsin legislator, retired weatherman)

IT'S SO COLD IN SOUTH DAKOTA, Tom Daschle can't afford to pay his income taxes.

IT'S SO COLD in Tennessee, Alfred E. Gore is considering moving to Dade County, Florida and taking one of those jobs most Americans won't do (as an Election Commissioner).

IT'S SO COLD in Florida, you can go out in your back yard and pick an orange off your tree and use it as an ice pack if you have a Super Bowl hangover.

Did you hear the one about the blonde who lived in the Sierras? She heard that most car accidents happen within 30 miles of home, so she moved to Kentucky.

It's so cold in the Sacramento Valley that illegal aliens picking iceberg lettuce are suffering from frostbite.

It's so cold in the Napa Valley that they don't have to chill the wine anymore; and anyone stomping grapes the old-fashioned way could lose some toes due to frostbite.

It's so cold, 90 percent of the United States was below freezing this morning, and Nancy Pelosi says that unless we pass a trillion dollar bill for global warming models, 500 million homeless people could lose their jobs.

THIS IS COLD, BUT it's so cold in Washington, DC that they're postponing the cherry blossom festival until July this year (well, they said it would be a "COLD DAY" when we would inaugurate a Marxist President, and it was).

AND IN MINNESOTA, it's still so cold that they haven't finished counting the November ballots yet.

In the U.P. of Michigan, it's so cold that the eagles have gone south, and the buzzards are not even venturing out to clean up the dead deer on our roadsides. Actually, I live in the Banana Belt of the U.P., but we like people believing that it's cold up here (so those people from Kentucky don't move up here).

P.S. Some critics say that this is no time for humor. "There is no humor in Islam," said the Ayatollah Khomeini.

"WELL," as the Gipper would have said, I submit that Ronald Reagan's jokes and his smile did more to get us out of an even more serious recession than all the official government actions ever could have done (and by the way, government still is, quote, "the Problem," not the Solution).

© Curtis Dahlgren

 

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Curtis Dahlgren

Curtis Dahlgren is semi-retired in southern Wisconsin, and is the author of "Massey-Harris 101." His career has had some rough similarities to one of his favorite writers, Ferrar Fenton... (more)

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