Curtis Dahlgren
July 27, 2013
A day in the life of USA TODAY's C-section ("Sports"?)
By Curtis Dahlgren

"By executive order, the Florida and Arizona stars have been removed from the American flag because they are too white, too fast, and too furious with the White House." – C.D. (just made that up; didn't really happen – though it's possible some day)

IT'S NOT FUNNY READING THE SPORTS SECTION ANYMORE. Take the July 15th USA TODAY, please! Besides the usual stories about failed drug tests and adulterous golfers who haven't scored a big win in five years, there were two stories involving murder. The top-of-page-one headline said:

Ortiz can't go home again; neighborhood sees accomplice as snitch

"Charlie Boy" as he is known, has a 4-year old son . . one of three he has fathered with three women . . . [but] he has had his membership revoked in the Doo Wops, the nickname for the Davis Drive family, because they say he is a snitch."

The world must think we're crazy. It's okay to "father" kids by every woman on the cul-de-sac, and you can be a petty thief, but don't even think about being a snitch! I guess that's the new definition of 'love thy neighbor.'

Maybe I'm a grouchy old man, but do you ever get the feeling that even the funny papers aren't funny anymore? Journalism isn't what it used to be, and neither are today's athletes. They prove that even millionaires can be low-information voters sometimes.

Turning to page 3, we see a headline on "Athletes weigh in on verdict" – the Zimmerman verdict. Two reporters cite 10 NBA and NFL "stars" and all 10 of them think that Trayvon didn't get justice. A football player tweeted:

"All them jurors should go home and kill themselves."

He later apologized for the bad grammar (just kidding). He's probably had one too many concussions. And a really BIG NBA star tweeted:

"Some1 make sense of this verdict 4 me . . . How do I explain this to my young boys?"

They've graduated from college, and they can't explain it to a five-year-old? As Groucho used to say, "Someone go fetch a child of five; a five-year-old could understand this." WELL, leaving the President out of this (please!), allow me to help out those athletic millionaires with some plain English (in the form of tweets):

- U wil alwys get what's coming to u in the end (unless God sends it parcel post).

- Never hit a woman and never hit a guy either (he just may B a farm boy who can whoop yo @$$).

- Don't hav rabbit ears & don swet the small stuf (bigger stuf is coming).

- It B better 2 B da dissee than the disser.

- Never start anything, but d-fend yo slf if u get cold-cocked and ur haid is B'ing #'ed in 2 da sidewalk.

- As rev King used to say, U wil B judged by the content of yo care-actor (so Watch out!).

- As yo gramma used to say, 1 hand washes da other, an ppl don rlly care if da cat B black or white as long as it B a good mouser.

- As I alwys say, If things B goin TOO good, you must have overlooked something.

- Some days U B da pigeon and som days u B da statue – GET USED TO IT.

- Never compare yo self 2 other ppl or envy them (dey are more screwed up dan U think!).

- And remember, white ppl hate da color of dere skin (why do U think dey spend so much time and money tanning themselves into redskins?).

- Finally, Son, U coulda been Trayvon, but U also mighta been Zimmerman.

P.S. Seriously folks, don't you think some sharp people take themselves too seriously? Dull ones too sometimes.

BTW, I sometimes adapt material that comes in over the transom, but I've never taken performance-enchancing drugs (that's for sure, obviously).

PPS: The Ten Commandments take up one-half a page. The NEW health law is thousands of pages long. Pretty soon we'll find out which one works. Or is "work" a 4-letter word?

© Curtis Dahlgren


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Curtis Dahlgren

Curtis Dahlgren is semi-retired in southern Wisconsin, and is the author of "Massey-Harris 101." His career has had some rough similarities to one of his favorite writers, Ferrar Fenton... (more)


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