Curtis Dahlgren
If you don't like this column, sue me! (another "best of")
By Curtis Dahlgren
December 9, 2008

[This is an excerpt from "Unapologetic elitists and other kleptomaniacs" (with some flavoring added) ]

THE OTHER NIGHT, from cares exempt,
I slept — and what do you think I dreamt?
I dreamt that somehow I had come
To dwell in Topsy-Turveydom! -
Where vice is virtue — virtue, vice:
Where nice is nasty — nasty, nice:
Where right is wrong and wrong is right -
Where white is black and black is white.

— Sir William Gilbert (1836-1911)

WE "LIKED" IKE IN 1952. HOWEVER, we didn't go ga-ga over him (even though he came into office promising to get us out of a war). We certainly weren't preoccupied at that point with what the new President might name his puppy, or whether it was going to be a Yorkie-poo. Although the Vice-President obtained a pup named Checkers, the press wasn't yet dazzled by Mamie's pill-box hats, or "style" returning to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue (dare I say White House without being sued for "hate speech"?).

The nice thing about being an old-fogey is that you can remember some of those details. And it's nice to know that "anyone" but Goldwater can be elected President, with or without a birth certificate, but nice guys still finish last (the Goldwater Senate seat is now 0-for-2). But if the Pravda-school journalists (who called President Bush the Shrub) think that they're helping to create a positive working environment for the President-elect by going ga-ga, it could back-fire on them.

The Green Bay Press-Gazette about a week ago had a one-inch headline on top of page one involving the 'much-anticipated' Obama puppy! This is supposed to bring the country together or what? Forgive me if I "ramble" today, but I've gone through a mind-boggling experience; it was called Election day [not to mention "trillions for tribute"].

SOME DAYS, ONE HAS TO GO TO THE COMIC STRIPS FOR RELIEF. "The Lockhorns" had a classic the other day in the funnies. "Mr. and MS." Lockhorn are sitting in "Dr. Blog's" waiting room, and the reading material on the table consists entirely of Forbes, Barrons, Money, and Investing, etc. (not exactly a good sign).

It would've been even funnier if it had been their lawyer's office. The way things are going, where the nasty people sue the nice people — and win "big easy" bucks — lawyers will soon be copying standard procedures of medical clinics:

After signing in and waiting 45 minutes or so, you will be told by the receptionist to go into this little room, lie down, and take out your wallet, as "the lawyer will be with you in a few moments" (and you fall asleep and have a nightmare before the lawyer gets around to you).

BUT SERIOUSLY folks, there are big bucks to be made in litigation, BIG bucks. Someone sued — an online dating service — for "hate," because they weren't promoting same-sex dating. They had to apologize, change their policies, and pay some big bucks to the plaintiff. Welcome to Topsy-Turveydom!

I have a book entitled "Buy This Book or We'll Sue You." It chronicled infamous lawsuits — such as the one in which a Franciscan nun was sued for recklessly bowling over an opponent in a softball game. Or the underaged smoker who was denied cigarettes at a C-store, and put his fist through the front door (he won $6,800 for his injuries). But the winner is: the other day I read a headline that said one lawyer accidently sued himself!

It's no wonder we have so many warning labels on our products today, such as:

- "Do not try to toast bread while in the bath tub."

- "The Surgeon General suggests that you not light these cigarettes in an oxygen chamber"

- "Do not burn down 1,000 California homes by using these matches to light a camp fire."

- "Do not eat this pizza frozen." [wonder what would happen if you tried that one?]

- "Don't even think about tearing the label off this mattress, but enjoy!"

I made some of those up, but do you know how bad things are getting in Topsy-Turveydom? I was looking at a Rain-X container the other day. That's a product that makes your car windshield repel water so you can see better in the rain. I couldn't make this one up, but the warning on the container actually says, "Use your windshield wipers when necessary"!

In other words, the manufacturer of Rain-X (the sole purpose for which is to help people see the road better) is afraid someone somewhere might have an auto accident and then blame Rain-X because he failed to turn on his windshield wipers!


The reason talk show hosts have such large audiences is because they help people 'SEE' things more CLEARLY. YET — someday soon they will probably be subpoened to testify before Congress to explain why they should not be banned from the "publicly-owned airways" because some idiot somewhere couldn't understand a joke and felt "hurt" (NO JOKE — the next President is going to be a lawyer!).

I "hope" that Rush Limbaugh, et al, realize that they could be arrested and sent to Siberia someday for "Use of a microphone with intent to inflict great psychological harm."

If current litigation trends continue, literally every product will have a Warning label on it. Take baseball bats, for instance. I could see someday a Louisville Slugger with an addendum to the trademark:

"This bat is intended for hitting baseballs, not hand grenades or human beings."

The other day, an NBA #1 draft choice cut his arm while cutting an apple in bed. This is a BIG lawsuit waiting to happen, and it absolutely begs for a warning label on steak knives:

"Do not use this knife in bed while having sex or cutting a frozen pizza."

In the LaLaLand province of Topsy-Turveydom, sweet is bitter and the bitter is sweetness, cold is hot and hot is cold, bad is "bad" of course — meaning "good," and dimness is bright and brightness is dim (but the ignorant and foolish are "intelligent" and "smart"). The USA Today (11/13/08) had a cartoon that asked, "Is there any TV program that [the bright] Sarah Palin hasn't agreed to go on?"

The "punch" line was yes, it's "Are you smarter than a fifth-grader?" (because Sarah Palin is what the Brits call a "commoner" in the eyes of our "smart" journalists who write stories about puppies in the White House). Since when did the lowly "scribes" become Royalty?

According to a recent poll, even public officials flunk civics tests worse than the average citizen, and the "smart" Obama voters didn't even know that the Democrats controlled Congress the last two years.

P.S. At least one "school" in America has already been renamed for Barack Obama. This raises two impertinent questions:

a) Whose name was taken OFF the "school"? [Abraham Lincoln perhaps?]

b) What would be the most "politically inoffensive" nickname for the school's sports teams? I am taking suggestions. [Here are some that come quickly to mind.] -

- The Obama "Community"?

- The Obama "Robin Hoods"?

- The Obama "Merry Men"?

- The Obama "Flower Children"?

- The Obama "Hopefuls"?

- The Obama "Swingers"?

Or, the most likely one — "The ObamaNation" (i.e., diversified and internationalized nation, of course, sans sovereignty). Warn me before we get to that point, because I'moutahere!

© Curtis Dahlgren


The views expressed by RenewAmerica columnists are their own and do not necessarily reflect the position of RenewAmerica or its affiliates.
(See RenewAmerica's publishing standards.)

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Curtis Dahlgren

Curtis Dahlgren is semi-retired in southern Wisconsin, and is the author of "Massey-Harris 101." His career has had some rough similarities to one of his favorite writers, Ferrar Fenton... (more)


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