Socialized scriptures

By Dan Popp

The first requisite for the happiness of the people is the abolition of religion. — Karl Marx

When people say to you that government confiscation and redistribution is "the Christian way," or that "Jesus was a socialist," do you wonder what Bible they're reading? The answer may be coming. Startup printing house Bowe-Guss Publishers, Inc. has announced the debut of the New Karl Marx Version of the Holy Bible (NKMV).

Breaking with the tradition of using teams of scholars to render the ancient Hebrew and Greek manuscripts into contemporary English over a period of years, the makers of the NKMV used half a dozen self-selected "experts" available last Thursday between 2 and 4pm, collaborating via Twitter.

Some sample texts of the (pardon the pun) "revolutionary" Bowe-Guss translation have been released in advance of the official debut. Deviations from the popular New King James Version are shown in bold.

Cast someone else's bread upon the waters,
For you will find it after many days.
Give a serving to seven,
and also to eight,
For you do not know when the lockbox will be broken into. — Ecclesiastes 11:1,2

He who has a bountiful eye will be blessed,
For he votes Democrat and leaves all his giving to the government. — Proverbs 22:9

Give to him who asks you out of the public coffers, and from him who wants to borrow from you do not withold the name of the proper agency, whether Fannie or Freddie. — Matthew 5:42

Then He lifted up His eyes toward His disciples, and said:
"Blessed are you poor,
For yours is the kingdom of Dependency.
Blessed are you who hunger now,
For you shall be filled when we all eat the rich." — Luke 6:20,21a

"Give, and it will be given to you by the government: good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over — unless the demand for services is much greater than we anticipate, in which case there will be shortages and rationing. Then you shall 'give' more." — Luke 6:38

Then the twelve summoned the multitude of the disciples and said, "It is not desirable that we should leave the word of God to wait on tables. Therefore, brethren, seek out from among you seven men of good reputation, full of the Holy Spirit and wisdom to lobby Rome for some Case Workers to distribute all this free cheese." — Acts 6:2,3

Then the righteous will answer Him, saying, "Lord, when did we see You hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give You drink?" ... And the King will answer and say to them, "Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you Community Organized for one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to Me." — Matthew 25:37,40

They desired only that we should remember the poor, the very thing which I also was eager to do. So in every town I instruct my hearers how to apply for Food Stamps. — Galatians 2:10

"And they will scourge Him and mock Him and put Him to death. And the third day He will rise again, and overthrow the proletariat." — Luke 18:23

Honor widows who are really widows. But if any widow has children or grandchildren, tell them to relax. That's why we have Entitlement programs. In the richest nation on earth there should be no poor people. — 1 Timothy 5:3,4

For the poor you have with you always, unless you create just one more government agency. — Matthew 26:11

For the further edification of Christian Socialists, the NKMV will insert Das Kapital between the Old and New Testaments.

True to their values, Bowe-Guss plans to give away copies of the New Karl Marx Version, rather than sell them. A company spokesman confided to Connie Chung and me that this "free Bibles" policy has led to a "slight bottleneck in financing" that threatens to delay the launch of this exciting new translation.

The company is currently seeking a government grant.

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© Dan Popp