Selwyn Duke
How to use your children to annoy a liberal
By Selwyn Duke
March 24, 2009

Since liberals place a premium on tolerance, the loving and charitable thing to do is help them develop it. Note here that, unbeknownst to many, tolerance involves enduring something considered to be a negative. We don't tolerate a fine meal or a nice car, for instance; we relish such things. But we might have to tolerate bad weather, a cold or Nancy Pelosi. Now, since liberals actually perceive a great many positive things to be negative, placing them in situations wherein they may cultivate tolerance is not difficult.

One under-appreciated vehicle through which to do this is your children. You can use your kids to annoy liberals, but I don't mean in the way liberals annoy other people with theirs. Liberals, by not civilizing their children, breed brats who bounce balls in supermarkets, play hide-and-go-seek in restaurants, keep the makers of psychotropic medication in business and sometimes chant "Yes, we can!" No, the techniques in question here are far different.

One of the best ways to use your children in this regard is to have a lot of them. Liberals, being generally misinformed and detached from reality, don't know that the Western world faces a population implosion, and the exercise of fecundity isn't a choice they appreciate. You know, if they see a gaggle of boys and girls following someone mother-goose style, they think carbon footprints, Malthusian nightmares and about how the "wrong" people are breeding.

And think about the fun you could have. For example, a nice touch would be to sport a bumper sticker saying, "My seven kids can beat up your one Ritalin-addled C-student." Also, when the size of your family is raised in conversation, you can casually mention how the Bible instructs us to be fruitful and multiply. Judeo-Christian references move a liberal like nothing else.

How you raise your children matters, too. Make sure they not only play with toy guns but that they do it publicly. And it helps if they audibly say things such as "Bang, bang, you're dead!" Liberals view this the way a normal person would view the exposure of a child to pornography. This is especially effective with the subspecies of liberals known as the suburban soccer mom.

You see, liberals hate guns. They feel guns are scary. They feel that guns "teach violence" (that violence has to be taught is a notion I debunked irrefutably, undeniably and completely here). They just plain feel. They seem to worry that letting their son play with guns will turn him into a murderer even though they never wonder if allowing him to play with trains will turn him into a conductor.

To ensure this technique has maximum impact, you must choose the correct toy guns. Vintage is the word, because the guns you find in stores today look like they were designed by Michael Jackson's effeminate twin. They sometimes come in Barbie doll colors and, at best, have at least a little red piece at the end of the barrel. This toy-land abomination arose because undisciplined liberal children started pointing realistic-looking toy guns at police officers. Somehow liberals don't view this as Darwinian natural selection.

As an example of this technique, I'll relate a story involving someone I know. This father had given his sons some truly cool-looking toy guns from his youth, and one day he and his family ventured down to the community pool bearing these arms. When all the liberals' non-sex stereotyped, wearing-a-feminine-straightjacket sons saw these symbols of authentic boyhood, their eyes got wide; exclamations such as "wow" could be heard. This also has the very positive effect of confirming in deprived liberal children's minds that their parents really are dorks. Oh, and you don't have to worry about further alienating them from their (probably divorced, perhaps same-sex) parents/guardians. Unless liberal children can be reformed, they will push the old folks into a nursing home first chance they get no matter what you do.

I also should mention that you needn't fear liberals' self-righteous, didactic proclamations. Should they choose to say something to you, it only provides you the opportunity to put the icing on the cake. If, for instance, they say, "I'm really surprised you give your son toy guns to play with" just respond, "Well, let's be realistic. He's still a bit too young to have a real one." This upsets liberals intensely.

The next technique I'll mention involves something I witnessed just recently. I was in a certain very popular and expansive food store and saw a father with two young boys, about two and three years old. He had them in harnesses affixed to something akin to a leash, which he held firmly so they couldn't run amok. This wasn't too uncommon years ago, back in those brutal, uncompassionate days when people hated children so much that they allowed spanking and disallowed abortion.

Yet liberals don't like such things. They bristle at the idea of treating children "like animals" even though they believe we're just highly-evolved apes. Letting your child run around someone else's establishment like an animal is okay, though.

Lastly, if a liberal asks you why you have so many kids, you can just explain how survival of the fittest ensures that the right members of a species breed and inherit the Earth. And be sure to follow up with, "Besides, every time I have another child, there's one more person in this world to pray for you."

Now, some may wonder why anyone would suggest using children to annoy liberals. Well, we must properly train the young in the way they should go. Just as importantly, we should always deal with people on their own level.

© Selwyn Duke


The views expressed by RenewAmerica columnists are their own and do not necessarily reflect the position of RenewAmerica or its affiliates.
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