Gabriel Garnica
Breaking news: Obama new NFL commissioner!
By Gabriel Garnica
September 25, 2012

In a stunning move, Barack Obama took time during his UN speech today to inform the world that he will be taking over as the NFL Commissioner effective immediately. Amid puzzled looks from some world leaders ("What is this NFL?") and staggered disbelief from others ("Are you kidding me?"), the self-proclaimed "eye candy" of the Left devoted a substantial portion of his discourse to the NFL referee labor dispute currently overshadowing a disastrous economy, an explosive situation in the Middle East, accusations of attacks upon religious liberty, and an increasingly divided nation. As a diplomat wearing a cheese head and Packer uniform rooted loudly, Obama stepped off the podium and fielded questions in an outside room.

When asked why he would want to take on handling the NFL dispute in the midst of a tough and close election fight, Obama cited numerous tweets from "thoughtful and profound thinkers" begging him to be the NFL's savior, including promises that solving the referee dispute would lock down the election itself. Obama also suggested that cries by GOP types against the recent Monday Night Football touchdown referee blunder only demonstrated their hypocrisy in bashing teachers and similar unions while supporting union dispute resolutions when football was involved, totally ignoring, as his genius supporters have also done, key distinctions between public and private union situations as well as the fact that the NFL referees are not exactly on food stamps as a result of this dispute, being only part-time workers with good outside jobs who make on average $ 25,000 and $ 75,000 a year for working a total of about 70 days per year as a second income when the average American makes that or half that working full-time all year. While the NFL referees do make the less than referees in the other major sports, they also work less due to the nature of the season.

At one point in the proceedings, as questions became uncomfortably legitimate and rational, Whoopi Goldberg pushed her way to the front of the press conference and asked Obama how he and Michelle were going to celebrate their upcoming anniversary, and how they had been able to keep their marriage "so perfect." Obama responded that marriage difficulties, like economic situations and embassy attacks, are bumps in the road which have to be surpassed if one is going to achieve anything. As Whoopi was carried off after nearly fainting in the face of Obama's response, Obama made the additional bombshell announcement that he would be inserting Sandra Fluke as his NFL enforcer, given her recent profound insights into the NFL dispute and past of putting a lid on problems before they happen. Obama sidestepped a question comparing the national debt to the debt owed by Americans to pro football by stating that, while the national debt was not an immediate concern, America would surely collapse if one more game was decided by a substitute referee who was almost certainly Republican. He then blamed the entire current NFL labor dispute on George Bush as well as a YouTube videotape mocking the New York Jets.

As reporters and others pondered this flurry of presidential assertiveness to seize control of such a critical area of American life, Obama finished the press conference by declaring that his wife Michelle would be appointed Dietary Administrator of the NFL, where she would travel the country, and the world if necessary, with a small entourage of 1,000 assistants, looking for the best nutritional practices and diets to ensure a healthy NFL for our grandchildren. He concluded with the promise that the future must not be determined by those who would insult the integrity of the NFL.

After the press conference, Obama, unaware of an open microphone, was recorded telling a aide that the NFL owners were just a bunch of rich, bitter folks who cling to their investments or religion of wealth or antipathy to people who aren't like them. He then added that the NFL owners chickens were coming home to roost.

The White House has just issued the following rules, effective immediately, aimed at resolving the NFL's current woes:
  1. The NFL owners must immediately cave in to all referee demands.

  2. All NFL owners ( except the Chicago Bears) must serve free food to fans, set aside 1,000 free tickets to selected fans, and distribute 40% of their NFL profits among 100,000 fans who voted Democrat in the previous election.

  3. Owners are allowed to increase ticket prices 30% for fans who voted GOP in the last election.

  4. NFL power will be re-distributed by giving the Chicago Bears the yearly Number One Draft Pick indefinitely and taking away the draft picks of any team from any state won by the GOP in November.

  5. At the end of each game, the winning team must apologize to the losing team for beating them.

  6. A flag bearing Obama's face must wave in all stadiums, and be saluted by all fans and players at the start of the game.

  7. Any player attempting to pray or mention God will be banned from the NFL.

  8. Special promotional days will be instituted league-wide, such as Planned Parenthood Day, Labor Unions Day, Muslim Day, Kenyan Independence Day, and LGBT Day.
As news of these events spread, CNN, MSNBC, NBC, ABC, and CBS all declared Barack Obama the winner of the November elections, adding "There is no reason to wait for the final whistle when we already know the final score."

© Gabriel Garnica


The views expressed by RenewAmerica columnists are their own and do not necessarily reflect the position of RenewAmerica or its affiliates.
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